20 of the Best Tweets From Parents This Week

The only way to stop eating these Christmas cookies is to eat them all

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) January 4, 2024

I was making dinner and my daughter came running in and started playing her toy drums because she “knew I wouldn’t want it to be too quiet”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 3, 2024

9yo: What’s a New Year’s resolution?

Me: A change you want to make for the new year. Like reading more or spending less time on the iPad.

9yo: Oh OK! My New Year’s resolution will be to spend less time at school.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) January 1, 2024

Reached into a pocket of my diaper bag only to find a handful of cat food. When asked about this, my 5 year old said, “in case we see some cats”

— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) January 3, 2024

Had a talk with the kids at dinner about New Year’s resolutions but I guess the 6yo doesn’t quite grasp the concept because she went around the table and told each of us what SHE thinks WE should do better and…..you guys I think she might be onto something.

— Dinah (@dinahaddie) January 2, 2024

I cleaned my kid’s iPad screen and it’s like having cataracts removed

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 3, 2024

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) December 31, 2023

A bright side to having kids is that if I'm ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 2, 2024

my kid wrote me a “might do list” and I’ve decided she’s my life coach now

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) January 5, 2024

My FIL, opening a tub of hot fudge he got for Christmas: it’s handmade!

My 3yo, horrified: is it made out of hands??

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 31, 2023

My son just had a small coffee DoorDashed to him so we just enrolled him in a money management course.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 5, 2024

My daughter won’t let me do her hair anymore, apparently 3rd graders aren’t big fans of the Mom Bun

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 4, 2024

Tonight for amateur hour I let my 3yo walk into the living room holding a cherry smoothie in a plastic wine glass and it ended just as anyone would have guessed

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) January 4, 2024

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 4, 2024

Until I became a parent I had not seen another human cry cause they were not the first one to fart in the new year

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 2, 2024

“I don’t want the orange juice with the fruit meat”. – my 6yo referring to pulp as fruit meat

— Princess (@themultiplemom) January 1, 2024

Yesterday my 5yo told my husband he never wanted to eat yogurt ever again. And my husband just believed him like some kind of rookie.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) January 1, 2024

The eight year old is using my computer to write a book, and she just came stomping out saying UGH I HATE MICROSOFT WORD so I informed her she was a real writer now

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) December 31, 2023

5 told me that a dog’s job is to sleep and play and snuggle, so before she left for school today she hugged our dog and said:

“Bye Charlie! Have a good day working from home today!”

We don’t deserve kids. 🥹

— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) January 4, 2024

My daughter is at her friends house and we told her to call us for the toast… look what she called us with 😭 pic.twitter.com/eyVN2WdZFe

— MOMMA $PICE (@ItsMrsPlugg) January 1, 2024