I love sharing fun social media accounts with you guys, and I recently discovered Amy Colleen’s Twitter account @sewistwrites.
Her observations on marriage, kids, and life in general are funny and relatable.
I’ve rounded up my 20 favorite tweets of hers…hope you enjoy them as much as I did!
Janene
#1
Me to my husband: "Don't worry, he's only 2, he'll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don't bring it up."
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 24, 2023
My 2yo: "Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt"
#2
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, "The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying." what are the ODDS
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 14, 2024
#3
On this frigid and snowy day I am thinking about how, on bad-weather days when I was a child, my dad would sometimes take us kids out to a local museum or to walk around a mall, and how back then I would feel bad for my mom who was home all alone without her 5 loud children. 😆
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 20, 2024
#4
Me when I have friends over: Please treat my home as your home. Make yourself comfortable. Allow me to express my love for you through hospitality!!!!!!
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) February 18, 2024
Me staying with friends: might I perhaps be permitted to drink a glass of water from your faucet if it is not too much bother
#5
Sleep experts: Dark room, avoid caffeine, listen to white noise, no screens an hour before sleep
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 10, 2024
Me sitting in my bed with the light on, eating dark chocolate, hearing my 3yo roar like a dinosaur over the baby monitor, reading a 4000-reply Twitter argument: Sounds good
#6
There are the kind of people who are like "aaahhhh 🙂 time to turn off my brain now 🙂 🙂 and go to sleep 🙂 🙂 :)" and then there are the people who ask deeply troubling philosophical and existential questions right before getting into bed, and they marry each other
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 18, 2023
#7
My child: *plays happily, quietly, amd independently*
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) July 6, 2022
Me: *makes one (1) important phone call*
My child: EVERYTHING FUN YOU HAVE EVER DENIED ME IN MY SHORT LIFE HAS UNEXPECTEDLY COME BACK TO HAUNT ME, AND I WILL NOW LIFT UP MY VOICE IN LAMENT. ALSO I POOPED.
#8
Sorry we're late! My 3yo found a stick and had to whack every single clump of snow we encountered on the sidewalk, and rather than risk the wrath of a preschooler I have thrown myself upon the mercy & sympathies of an Adult who is capable of Reason
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 18, 2024
#9
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) February 3, 2024
#10
"I'd catch a grenade for y–"
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 3, 2023
Cool. Would you do the dishes without needing to be asked though
#11
"The concept of 'breakfast food' is a social construct," I whisper to myself as my 3yo requests spaghetti and meatballs at 7:30 am for the fourth time this week
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) December 27, 2023
#12
Me: You may watch a quiet, calm Mr. Rogers episode while I put your brother down for a nap.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 18, 2024
My 3yo, violently rocking a rocking chair in the living room while I'm trying to nurse the baby: IT'S! SUCH! A! GOOD! FEELING!!! TO KNOW! YOU ALIVE!!!!!!
#13
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, "and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire"
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) February 13, 2024
#14
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 22, 2023
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say "gobble gobble."
😬
#15
Toddlers be like, "excuse me madam that's my emotional support Walmart receipt"
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 12, 2023
#16
I was a nanny & the eldest of a big family before I had kids but nothing adequately prepared me for the demand my toddler would exert upon me to be his personal troubadour. I do not KNOW any songs about dinosaurs on Halloween & making one up WHILST parallel parking is STRESSFUL.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) June 23, 2023
#17
Me: what if we snuggled in the rocking chair and I sang you a lullaby and you fell asleep
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) December 24, 2023
My 7-month-old: what if I kicked you with both my chubby feet in your solar plexus and launched myself backward off the Boppy
#18
Reasons My Toddler Cried Tonight included:
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 8, 2023
-he wanted me to cut his toast and so I did and then he lost all semblance of composure because I did not realize I was supposed to cut just the TOAST, not the JAM
#19
How do I file a discrimination report against a small business? My 3yo is running a restaurant in our living room, & whenever I order orange juice I receive orange juice, but when my husband places the same order he is given "trash juice" and the proprietor laughs uproariously 😭
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 12, 2023
#20
It is shocking to me that there exist, on this good green earth, people who purchase chocolate chips and then just keep them in the pantry until a Baking Time is upon them, and do not scarf them out of hand at random intervals like a ravenous hamster. Anthropology is fascinating.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 13, 2023
You can follow Amy on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook for more!
