I love sharing fun social media accounts with you guys, and I recently discovered Amy Colleen’s Twitter account @sewistwrites.
Her observations on marriage, kids, and life in general are funny and relatable.
I’ve rounded up my 20 favorite tweets of hers…hope you enjoy them as much as I did!
Janene
#1
Me to my husband: "Don't worry, he's only 2, he'll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don't bring it up."
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 24, 2023
My 2yo: "Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt"
#2
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, "The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying." what are the ODDS
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 14, 2024
#3
On this frigid and snowy day I am thinking about how, on bad-weather days when I was a child, my dad would sometimes take us kids out to a local museum or to walk around a mall, and how back then I would feel bad for my mom who was home all alone without her 5 loud children. 😆
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 20, 2024
#4
Me when I have friends over: Please treat my home as your home. Make yourself comfortable. Allow me to express my love for you through hospitality!!!!!!
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) February 18, 2024
Me staying with friends: might I perhaps be permitted to drink a glass of water from your faucet if it is not too much bother
#5
Sleep experts: Dark room, avoid caffeine, listen to white noise, no screens an hour before sleep
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 10, 2024
Me sitting in my bed with the light on, eating dark chocolate, hearing my 3yo roar like a dinosaur over the baby monitor, reading a 4000-reply Twitter argument: Sounds good
#6
There are the kind of people who are like "aaahhhh 🙂 time to turn off my brain now 🙂 🙂 and go to sleep 🙂 🙂 :)" and then there are the people who ask deeply troubling philosophical and existential questions right before getting into bed, and they marry each other
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 18, 2023
#7
When I was a teenager my mom had a little mini candy stash at the very top of a cupboard that was Just For Mom and no one else was allowed to touch it and internally I was like "wow 😑 selfish much?" and anyway now I get it
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) June 3, 2024
#8
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, "Well, if you won't play with me then I'm gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!"
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) June 19, 2024
Ooooh. That'll show me.
#9
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) February 3, 2024
#10
"I'd catch a grenade for y–"
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 3, 2023
Cool. Would you do the dishes without needing to be asked though
#11
"The concept of 'breakfast food' is a social construct," I whisper to myself as my 3yo requests spaghetti and meatballs at 7:30 am for the fourth time this week
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) December 27, 2023
#12
Me: You may watch a quiet, calm Mr. Rogers episode while I put your brother down for a nap.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 18, 2024
My 3yo, violently rocking a rocking chair in the living room while I'm trying to nurse the baby: IT'S! SUCH! A! GOOD! FEELING!!! TO KNOW! YOU ALIVE!!!!!!
#13
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, "and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire"
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) February 13, 2024
#14
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 22, 2023
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say "gobble gobble."
😬
#15
Toddlers be like, "excuse me madam that's my emotional support Walmart receipt"
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 12, 2023
#16
When I was growing up, water was the only approved drink between meals.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) February 25, 2024
Yesterday my son asked for milk after playing outside at my parents' and my dad poured his grandson a giant cup of CHOCOLATE milk.
🧐
IT WAS NOT EVEN ANYONE'S BIRTHDAY OR ANYTHING.
#17
The way my children consume fresh berries is fiscally maniacal. Do they think those things grow on trees
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) July 13, 2024
#18
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn't something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) May 26, 2024
#19
How do I file a discrimination report against a small business? My 3yo is running a restaurant in our living room, & whenever I order orange juice I receive orange juice, but when my husband places the same order he is given "trash juice" and the proprietor laughs uproariously 😭
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 12, 2023
#20
It is shocking to me that there exist, on this good green earth, people who purchase chocolate chips and then just keep them in the pantry until a Baking Time is upon them, and do not scarf them out of hand at random intervals like a ravenous hamster. Anthropology is fascinating.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 13, 2023
You can follow Amy on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook for more!
