20 of the Best Tweets from the Hilariously Relatable “Mommy Owl”

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) September 1, 2018

It’s kind of weird how everyone in the family randomly picks where they sit around the table and then proceeds to sit in those exact spots for every meal for the rest of their lives.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) January 22, 2020

Behind every photo taken at home is a mom pushing random crap out of the way so her house appears clean.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) January 28, 2019

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) October 22, 2019

My daughter said she’s not mad at me but she just hugged my husband and said he’s the best parent she’s ever had w/o breaking eye contact with me. Have kids they said.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) April 11, 2023

Before getting married, you should be required to go on a road trip. If your relationship can survive 10 or more hours of your partner panic gasping every time you speed up and change lanes, you’re meant to be.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) March 9, 2020

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) November 12, 2018

My husband went to the grocery store this morning which was super helpful so now I’m headed to the grocery store to get all the things we need.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) April 16, 2021

I had to cough but my kids were sleeping so I literally just choked on my own saliva because apparently I choose dying over accidentally waking them up.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) February 10, 2019

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) December 31, 2023

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) August 5, 2019

Marriage is equal parts "I would die without you" and "For the love of God, do you have to sneeze like that?"

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) June 6, 2019

My daughter just put herself in timeout in her room because she was “done hearing other people’s voice noise.”

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) July 24, 2018

Husbands be like, “Where’s that thing I left out for 45 days that you finally put away exactly where it goes? Why are you always moving my stuff?!”

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) October 22, 2020

Behind every strong willed-daughter is an even stronger-willed mother who has been around longer and has more practice.

We win.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) January 7, 2023

5: Mommy, why do girls wear bras?

Me: To support their boobies.

5: No, they’re trapping their boobies. They’re booby traps. *cracks herself up*

I’m raising a comedian.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) June 12, 2019

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) April 15, 2020

Spent ten minutes scrubbing the wall thinking my kids left a huge stain on it and then realized it was my own shadow. I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) January 14, 2021

After 10 years of marriage, your spouse should know exactly who you’re referring to when you say, “What’s the name of the guy in the place who does the thing?”

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) December 2, 2019

I would just like to thank the person who told my daughter that when she lies her eyes turn a different color. Now she squeezes her eyes shut every time she lies… and my job just became a whole lot easier.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) May 30, 2020