20 Hilarious Tweets on Marriage and Parenting From One of the Funniest Moms Around

My 6yo just made me a sweet card with $3 cash in it. He hugged me and said “I noticed you don’t go to a job everyday like other people do and I just don’t want you to be poor anymore.”

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) January 3, 2019

Overheard*

3yo Neighbor: Should we ask your mom first?

My 3yo: Yes! Ok I asked her. She said yes.

3yo Neighbor: You did not ask her.

My 3yo: I did in my imagination. She said it’s fine.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) January 27, 2020

Husband: If anyone else whines they have to go right to bed!

Me: Ugh my pants are too tight. My feet are cold. Everyone is being too loud.

Kids: Ha! Mom has to go to bed!

Me: Goodnight, suckers.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) February 7, 2020

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) March 16, 2018

Me “Help me your sister is trying to unbuckle!”

6yo “Hey sis! Stay buckled and we can have French Fries!”

Me “Don’t say that, I don’t have French Fries to give her.”

6yo “She’s buckled. Looks like you’re going to have to get us Fries. Not sure what else to tell you.”

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) April 9, 2019

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) May 20, 2018

If ever I become a torturer for the CIA I will use tactics I’ve learned from watching my toddler go from strong & stubborn to a breaking point. I’d first let their pancakes touch their egg on a blue plate even though they wanted a pink one and then I’d break their banana in half.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) April 21, 2019

We just waited an hour to see our pediatrician. As soon as he walked in my toddler took his hand and pointed to his watch and said “This is a clock.” Which was the most passive aggressive thing I have ever witnessed.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) February 26, 2019

My 3 year old wrapped her arms around me this morning and exclaimed, “Happy Birthday Mama!” Then she gave me a cute homemade birthday card.
It’s not my birthday. I think this is her well thought out plan to get cake and I’ll tell you what, it’s going to work.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) November 4, 2019

3yo: Can I get this candy?

Me: Nope

3yo: Can I get this candy for my friend?

Me: Who is your friend?

3yo: I am my friend.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) August 16, 2019

I’m of the very strong opinion that Sex Ed should be taught by a woman 37 weeks into her third pregnancy while her husband sits scrolling through his phone and her other two children run wild.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) March 22, 2019

It was when my 3 yr old said “I don’t know how to be nice when I am hungry” that she went from being my toddler to becoming my BFF who gets me.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) January 9, 2020

My husband called on his way home from work to ask if I wanted a cheeseburger. I said I didn’t, I would just have one bite of his. He brought me home my own cheeseburger and I think this is why our marriage has lasted over 14 years now.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) December 8, 2019

My 9 yr old is making muffins from a box. He threw away the box then went back to retrieve the box to reread the directions three times now. He is right on track for adulthood.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) December 11, 2019

All I need is a friend who says they are on their way over so I find motivation to clean-up in a panic but then they cancel leaving me alone in a cleaner house.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) May 3, 2019

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) January 18, 2020

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) February 26, 2018

8yr old “If I can guess what our basketball game score will be before the game starts how much money will you give me?”

Me “The exact score? $5.”

8yr old “It’ll be 0 to 0 because I said the score before it started.”

Me “……”

8yr old “Hand it over.”

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) December 8, 2018

I’ve never been confronted with more intensity than right now when my 6 and 3 year old cornered me about some art work they found in trash.

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) August 28, 2019

Me sternly “Tell me what you did wrong?!”

Toddler sobbing “I got caught.”

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) February 11, 2019