20 of the Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

don’t mean to sound like a sickly victorian woman riddled with consumption but i do feel like a little trip to the seaside would fix me

— mar (@itsmariannnna) May 31, 2023

Stages of plant ownership:

1. I’m going to take such good care of you.

2. Oh no.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 28, 2023

Diet if you want, but did it ever occur to you that maybe we’re supposed to be fat after 40

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) May 28, 2023

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Women: Pockets

Fashion designers: Have some ruffles and flowers instead

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) May 29, 2023

Gardening really changes your relationship with the natural world.
Like I’ve never yelled “if you come back here again I’ll kill you” at a bunny before today.

— Dr. Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) May 30, 2023

Coming out of my driveway earlier as the postman walked past.

Postman: Are you 34?

Me: [slightly confused but flattered] 34? I’ve actually just turned 47!

Postman: I mean do you live at number 34. I have a parcel.

Now obviously I have to sell my house and move very far away.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 2, 2023

The purest love in the world is the one between grumpy dads and the pet they said they didn't want.

— mariana Z (@mariana057) June 2, 2023

growing up the baby of the family and then becoming a parent is daily surprise. what do you mean it’s my job to get everyone’s stuff together for the beach. what do you mean I’m in charge of remembering when sunscreen needs to be reapplied and finding a parking spot. I wanna swim

— 🧃you or someone you love🧃 (@hannahmsays) May 29, 2023

“we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” ok but i’m gonna worry about the bridge now

— trash jones (@jzux) May 30, 2023

The real hero is whoever decided that a serving size of popsicles is 4 popsicles pic.twitter.com/NkJRUf4Pew

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 2, 2023

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

— Victoria 🎀 (@vickyallover) June 1, 2023

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because "was attacked by geese" is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, "Any more trouble with geese?"

— Elizabeth McCracken (@elizmccracken) June 2, 2023

not to brag or anything but AARP is trying to woo me pretty hard 💅🏻

— Nadine Antoinette 🌊🖤 (@Lilblack_heart) May 31, 2023

I feel like one of these would kill a European pic.twitter.com/5aDnBkPMFJ

— balls (annihilator of twinks) 🔆 (@alloenzyme) May 30, 2023

Moving is great if you want to touch every single object you own

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 29, 2023

Made a new friend on my walk. pic.twitter.com/OyBPRA91en

— AlwaysAshley (@AshleyAlready) June 4, 2023

my parents have been happily married for 30 years + from what I’ve gathered, they owe it to:

1) having separate bathrooms
2) being each other’s biggest fans
3) when my mom was sad that my dad wasn’t typing “ok” with a heart emoji he started adding them

— little special™ (@dollbunyan) June 3, 2023

I want this pic.twitter.com/ok7XaaD8KL

— 🇺🇸 Kayla 🇺🇸 (@RebelWiACause) June 2, 2023

My sister has an original eames chair and this is how she uses it pic.twitter.com/2I26IZAznF

— tara (@proletarat) June 3, 2023

I’m at the produce market and the smallest italian greyhound I have ever seen just snatched the remaining third of my croissant and the owner hissed AUDREY and they both ran away

— Eleanor Robertson (@marrowing) June 3, 2023