Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

The 5-year-old has been limping around with a leg injury all morning and I would feel bad for her except the injury is “a fox bit her in her dream”

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 5, 2023

5: “Wow! I have two Target cards from my birthday! I wonder what I can get!”

“Maybe a really cool backpack to start kindergarten?!”

“No offense mom but I feel like a backpack is from mom money.”

— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) August 6, 2023

A lady in a mom group I’m in posted that she’s pregnant and wants to name her daughter Eieoie and the moms in the comments are ruthless and posting the lyrics to Old MacDonald Had a Farm 😭😭

— e 🕯✨ (@nienna121) August 6, 2023

“You shouldn’t let them have so many nitrates.”
– My mom who fed us bologna on white bread with mayo, Hawaiian Punch, Twinkies, MacDonald’s, Apple Jacks, diet soda, candy cigarettes…

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) August 9, 2023

My kids are at their grandparents' for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 7, 2023

My kid just asked me what app you use on the phone to make a call and my brain broke a little

— meghan (@deloisivete) August 7, 2023

Ok my toddler just said “it’s getting dark” and I said “it is!” And he said “no one can stop it”

— Jana Pollack (@TinyJana) August 7, 2023

My son’s school hired a new chef who revamped the lunch menu and today he had pork tenderloin, green beans, mashed potatoes, side salad and cheesecake.

I had a bag of Cheetos.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 8, 2023

Get married so you can own 5 different types of coffee machines but your wife still goes to Starbucks.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 10, 2023

Today, while out at a pizza buffet for dinner, my 7yo asked me how the sperm make it to the egg.

I told her “that’s not a Pizza Ranch question.”

She told me “fair” and kept eating her pizza 😂

— Emily, MD, FAAP (@MomPedBlog) August 5, 2023

i hear the blender going in the kitchen. Only my 10 and 8 yo are awake. my wife is not home. i'm stuck on a conference call. oh no.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 9, 2023

Mom A at the park: My kid has carob for a treat and loves it!
Mom B: Mine adores dried plums!
Me: *putting candy necklaces on my kids* These are organic

— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) August 9, 2023

Me: Okay, time to get into your pjs. It’s wayyyyy past your bedtime.

5: it’s wayyyy past my toothbrushing time, too. Aw man. We missed it. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow.

— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) August 10, 2023

Me: Why aren't you in bed?

7-year-old: I forgot.

Me: How do you forget to go to bed?

7: You live your best life.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 9, 2023

I am the only person awake in my house. I just made coffee, lit a candle, and opened a window to hear the rain. Is this menopause?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 10, 2023

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) August 10, 2023

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 8, 2023

My son wanted to know what the 90s were like so I left him on the side of the road without his phone.

— ERIC THE GREAT (@NotTodayEric) August 9, 2023

8yo: did you know Marco Polo is a college sport?

me: you were watching Water Polo.

8yo: oh, I was wondering why their eyes were open.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 10, 2023

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery and got scared that I could shoot her with my eyes when I get mad. I don’t think I’m going to correct her.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 7, 2023