Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

We drove past a graveyard the other night on the way to my daughter’s dance class. She nodded toward it and said, “That’s where you’ll be soon. You know, because you’re old.” ☠️

— Lindsay Hameroff (@HameroffLindsay) April 27, 2023

Me: Let me know if you want help studying for your AP Lang test.

Daughter: No thanks, you still put two spaces after a period.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 24, 2023

A friend told her child that if she broke the rules she’d have to live with the consequences and the kid started sobbing and said “I don’t wanna live with the consequences, I wanna live with you!”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 26, 2023

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) April 24, 2023

My coworker said she never saw the movie I was quoting because it came out before she was born and I’m not sure I can work in these conditions.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 26, 2023

I’m the oldest sibling, or as I like to call it, the rough draft child

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 23, 2023

Me: Why won't you let me come to any school events?

15yo: Because I would DIE because you're SO EMBARASSING.

Me: What do I even do??

15yo: God you just love me so much. It's the worst.

— Hannah Grieco (@writesloud) April 26, 2023

I don't actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

— meghan (@deloisivete) April 28, 2023

Our new babysitter told me that my daughter picked a lemon from our tree “for mommy’s vodka drinks” in case you’re wondering if I’m nailing motherhood.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) April 25, 2023

You know what really undermines my around-the-house lectures? Getting my belt loop stuck on my damn lever door handles and being catapulted backwards mid-sentence

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) April 25, 2023

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) April 25, 2023

Terrible news, everybody. I’ve started exercising and eating healthy and I actually feel better.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 27, 2023

Whenever my friends with toddlers are like “my child will remember THIS special trip, moment, person” I’m thinking in my head, “they will not, your child will remember precisely one thing from before they were four and that will be the time they puked on their friend in daycare”

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) April 25, 2023

I couldn’t find the Nutella so I asked my son if he had seen it. He brought it to school. It’s in his locker. It’s for emergencies.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 25, 2023

this dude just introduced himself on a work call and said he had a "30 month old". so we're not gonna be friends.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 26, 2023

marriage is fun you get to learn things like it’s possible to fold a towel inside out

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 27, 2023

I told the kids about the school auctioning off the chance to pull the fire alarm (now up to $500). 13yo responds with, "I can save you five hundred bucks if you don't care if I get suspended."

— The Annasthesiologist (@fuzzymittens) April 26, 2023

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) April 27, 2023

Please respect my mother’s privacy during this difficult time. pic.twitter.com/oTbIdQB1sJ

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 24, 2023

Excited to announce the city is paving our road this week and 4 year old entertainment is taken care of for the foreseeable future pic.twitter.com/vt0vY7D2I4

— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) April 25, 2023