20 of the Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

Some guy was staring at me relentlessly through the Dunkin’ Donuts front window. I put on my glasses to get a better look and realized it was a life-sized cardboard cut out, so I’ve got that going for me today.😂

— Just Gina (@GinaUrso) October 10, 2023

lads I finally got my glasses adjusted. it took three minutes.

I have been putting it off since august two thousand and twenty.

— 👻 madeline boOoOoOoOdent 👻 (@oldenoughtosay) October 11, 2023

Are they still doing Daylight Savings, because I would kindly like to opt-out of pitch black at 5:30 pm, this year. You guys can do it but I’m good.

— Kyla Jenée Lacey (@Kyla_Lacey) October 13, 2023

Am I the only one who didn’t know that the numbers on the toaster dial mean minutes? I always thought it was just the level of toasty-ness 🤷🏻‍♀️

— Emilee Honey 📚 (@emhoneyreads) October 10, 2023

I was not prepared for the part of adulthood where I would have a favorite reusable grocery bag.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) October 8, 2023

My husband and I are going away for the weekend. He just came downstairs and asked me if he needed to pack “restaurant clothes.” He is 55 years old.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 13, 2023

Right now my wildest bedroom fantasy is to have a fitted sheet that stays taut

— danielle weisberg for hire (@danielleweisber) October 12, 2023

My UK book tour continues: at last night’s event, my husband sat in the front row and I smiled and winked at him a few times and when the lights went up, I saw that it was not my husband but some random man in a similar shirt who now thinks I am really, really into him.

— Katherine Heiny (@katherine_heiny) October 12, 2023

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works

— Midge (@mxmclain) October 12, 2023

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like do you really think I would call if I knew which one was the modem?

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) October 10, 2023

I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women are only in their “prime” during their 20s. Like, what? Excuse me, but I checked the math and that is blatantly false.

Women are also prime at 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, 97.

— Leen McBeans ꪜ (@LeenMcBeans) October 10, 2023

I don’t agree with ‘you snooze you lose’. Snoozing seems like winning to me

— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) October 9, 2023

A dating app, but for finding a partner who owns more than 400 books, visits their local library multiple times, goes to events at independent bookshops, and whose life goal is to live in a castle with a library with hidden passages and a rolling ladder

— Izzy Wylde (@izzdashiz) October 9, 2023

Girl math is buying 30 black hair ties and ending up with 2 within a week

— Brunette Bohemian (@Jane_Doe82) October 12, 2023

Don’t mind me, I’m merely agonizing over whether I used enough exclamation points and smiley faces in the email I just sent.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 10, 2023

saw a tiktok of a woman being like “here’s a trick i learned in italy” and she just squeezed lemon juice into her coke

— latke (@latkedelrey) October 10, 2023

Amtrak guy scanned my ticket and I said “how are you” and his response was “only 23 years until retirement”

— rachel (@rachelmillman) October 11, 2023

I made bread and then I used that bread to make a grilled cheese sandwich and my bf still hasn’t proposed.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) October 7, 2023

She doesn’t want flowers, she wants someone else to make dinner and put the laundry away.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 14, 2023

Mechanic: So this car is automatic?

Me, stumbling through the conversation with my limited automobile knowledge, all of which comes from the song Greased Lightnin': Um it's systematic.

Mechanic:

Me: It's hyyyydramatic?

Mechanic: Don't.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 13, 2023