20 Funny Tweets For Some Midweek Laughs

them: here's 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can't do that. it's too much food.

them: here's 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that's better

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 18, 2023

One time my dad's girlfriend tried to get him to see a hypnotist to quit smoking but he said he knew of a guy who recovered a memory under hypnosis and couldn't stop screaming. It took my sister to point out that he didn't, that was something that happened on The Simpsons.

— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) September 6, 2024

Clothing: hand wash only

Me, tossing it into the washer: may the odds be ever in your favor

— DEE👑 (@Honey_crowns) August 16, 2023

i love when the robot test on a website is just clicking a box that says "i am not a robot." as if a robot would be too ashamed to lie

— trash jones (@jzux) September 3, 2024

The kids were eating dinner and 6 was cross because I’d given her peas. I told her I couldn’t see any peas on her plate and she yelled “that’s because I accidentally ate them and accidentally really liked them”

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) December 30, 2022

I just heard someone respond to an invite with “no, I’d hate that” and they’re my new hero.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) March 5, 2024

i love airplanes because every few years they introduce a new, worse ticket option. like why am i booking Loser Economy where you board 5 minutes after the plane leaves and your seat is the floor

— trash jones (@jzux) January 7, 2024

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

— Sooz🇨🇦 (@CruisinSoozan) April 7, 2021

After folding all of the clothes I can only assume that I have 7 children and two husbands that I was not previously aware of.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) April 13, 2020

There are two quantities of popcorn: not enough and what have I done

— 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲 (@im_all_id) September 13, 2024

My daughter said she can’t wait to have kids. I asked her why and she said “so they can bring me stuff when it’s in another room.”

— Holly Ballantine (@HollyBallantine) March 19, 2022

one thing i appreciate about my father is that he will never make up a polite excuse. he regularly ends phone calls by saying “i’m going to let you go because we’ve been talking for a long time” and immediately hanging up

— 剑女友 sword gf (@punishedgarage) July 30, 2024

I just found out that cauliflower waffles are a thing now and I just want to say that if anyone ever serves me a cauliflower waffle i will immediately call the police

— insta.single (@insta_single) March 1, 2021

my dog sighs a lot for somebody who doesn’t contribute to this house or know what a government is

— sloane (sîpihkopiyesîs) 🇵🇸🇨🇩🇸🇩 (@cottoncandaddy) February 16, 2022

Our family group chat is mostly just me sending out the access code that was just texted to me so someone can log into one of my accounts.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 5, 2024

Library patron of the week: the fella who came in, wandered around for a good while, then asked pleasantly, “What is this place?”

— Alix Hawley (@alixhawley) October 3, 2021

My doctor's office: Time to check in for your appointment!

*I click the link*

We just texted a security code to your phone that must be used within 18 seconds. Please set a new password with 271 characters. Your PIN is your neighbor's sister's maiden name. Oops, too slow.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) September 11, 2024

i told my bf i like the buttered popcorn jelly belly beans and he just said “yeah, okay. i guess people like that have to exist.”

— 剑女友 sword gf (@punishedgarage) December 19, 2023

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said "sure" and then he did a somersault.

— Caitlin 🚗 🧀 Driscoll (@TeacherOnTopic) September 9, 2024