Top 20 Funniest Tweets from the Hilarious “Mommy Needs A Life”

Thanks to whoever make the decision to schedule school pictures right after recess on a super hot day. My son looks like he requires immediate medical attention.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) September 30, 2022

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) November 24, 2019

If I can pee into a tiny cup at the doctor’s office that I have to hold myself, why can’t boys pee into a giant bowl bolted to the floor?

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) September 11, 2022

Thoughts and prayers for my son as after a long day of playing video games & having his meals made for him he was asked to walk the dog.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) June 22, 2021

If I complain about being out of shape I don’t actually want fitness tips and workouts to try. I just want to complain and remain out of shape. What is wrong with you people.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 6, 2021

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 9, 2022

Doesn’t my teen know that when he tells me I’m embarrassing him it doesn’t make me want to stop. It makes me want to carry on with more intensity than before. Remember all those tantrums you threw in public, kid? WELL IT’S MY TIME TO SHINE.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) April 3, 2021

Walking into a store and Girl Scouts are out front selling cookies. My son says “don’t make eye contact with them” and just like that I have a new life coach.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) April 3, 2022

I swear my teen’s response to anything I say is I know Mom. I’m making pasta tonight…I know Mom. Really? Cuz I tricked you, I’m making chicken. You’re not some 14 year old clairvoyant, cut it out.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) April 23, 2021

When your kid can drive to get you an iced coffee the next part of your life begins.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 24, 2022

I love how the first thing they do at the doctor’s office is weigh you. I was already nervous, now I’m depressed. Maybe next they can bring up something I regret from my past & really get this party started.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) August 5, 2021

Get your kid a hamper so they have something to throw their dirty clothes near.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) November 8, 2022

My grocery delivery didn’t have the bag of shredded cheese I ordered so they substituted with a block of cheese instead. I just had to shred cheese myself. By hand. Like the Amish.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) February 16, 2020

I love when my kid wakes up and says “I’m sooooo glad it’s the weekend so I don’t have to do anything.” Yeah kid, you really need a break from someone cooking your meals, doing your laundry & picking up after you. Please rest.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) May 18, 2019

Every day I have a small window of time where I actually feel productive. Once that window passes there’s no going back. That ship has sailed. We’ll try again tomorrow.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) January 17, 2020

I swear the me that orders groceries & the me that actually has to cook the meals are 2 entirely different people.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) January 15, 2021

I’ll see your toddler tantrum and raise you a teen that just had their phone taken away.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) November 23, 2021

If you want to eat at my house it’s now BYOS (bring your own silverware). I don’t know if my kids are losing it, throwing it away, or selling it, but I refuse to buy anymore. So grab a fork and come on over.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) July 26, 2021

You think you have enough groceries and then you watch your teenage son pour an entire box of cereal into a mixing bowl and eat it.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) September 7, 2021

Me to saleswoman: Do u have regular, not size 0, women’s jeans

Her: Oh you mean big jeans?

Me: No, no, not big…just jeans that fit women, not teenagers

Her: *yells across store* BRITTNEY DO WE HAVE BIG JEANS? THIS LADY NEEDS BIG JEANS

Long story short, I need bail money

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) March 8, 2020

I just noticed that someone replaced the toilet paper roll. I’m now concerned that there is someone living here that I don’t know.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) April 2, 2018