25 of the Funniest Tweets About Life With Toddlers

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 27, 2016

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) October 20, 2022

2yo referred to her coat pockets as "snack holes" and this is what I shall forever call them

— Rebecca Caprara (@RebeccaCaprara) February 23, 2018

My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today and I said, "I can't see that happening" then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 26, 2021

I tried to tell y’all having a toddler is pretty much the same as being in a horror movie. pic.twitter.com/SRtRLV6vGm

— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) April 22, 2018

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."

— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 25, 2022

Sorry I’m late, had to wait for my toddler to go through the 5 stages of grief putting on a pair of pants.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 23, 2018

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn't let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was "too wet"
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister "keeps looking at him"
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 8, 2019

My 2yo gathered up all of her toys with flashing lights, and now she's making me sit in a dark bathroom with her through what I can only describe as a toddler rave.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) June 13, 2022

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 9, 2021

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) December 6, 2018

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 17, 2019

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) March 20, 2022

Currently my toddler is crying because I won’t let him hit me with the mop

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 26, 2021

Toddlers don’t hear you call their name 50x but they hear that chip bag open.

— Good Deeds (@PaskyIgboks) March 4, 2018

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can't use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 11, 2019

How to ruin a toddler’s morning:

1. Ask them what they want to eat.

2. Make exactly that.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) April 19, 2020

In 2019, I took my 2yo to a restaurant.

She asked why people kept going to the doors near us, I explained “that’s the potty.”

She proceeded to loudly ask every patron who walked by “ARE YOU POOPIN?!”

I could not stop her.

And on their way back she’d shout “DID YOU POOP?!?!”

— Russ Shanahan (@russshanahan) March 12, 2021

i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.

— rachelle mandik 🕳 (@rachelle_mandik) January 9, 2018

I'm glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep cuddling with a jar of peanuts. pic.twitter.com/mIJKNg2DEp

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2017

Me sternly “Tell me what you did wrong?!”

Toddler sobbing “I got caught.”

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) February 11, 2019

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 19, 2019

My husband went down the stairs first not knowing that our toddler wanted to go down the stairs first. Thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.

— Dr Áine Mahon (@AineMarieMahon) March 29, 2022

My son found a chocolate wrapper this morning and started interrogating me about it. I realized my wife and I basically run an underground speakeasy from 8-11 every night and we’re trying not to get caught by our two toddler landlords.

— Scott Reintgen (@Scott_Thought) February 15, 2021