Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
I was sick last week and now I’m losing my voice. I told my class today that I was losing my voice because I have to talk so much at work. A first grader raised her hand and said, “Wait, this is your job?!!”
— Michelle 🍎 (@michelleDbelle) February 18, 2025
#2
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) September 19, 2023
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
#3
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence.
— Rick Aaron (@RickAaron) February 17, 2024
#4
Turns out you can just buy a birthday cake anytime and eat it yourself. Nobody checks.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 20, 2021
#5
The sound of connecting to dial-up internet just emanated from a distant corner of the coworking space.
— Sarah McAnulty, Ph.D (@SarahMackAttack) November 27, 2023
All the millennials popped their heads up from their computers like a flock of prairie dogs being activated by a long-forgotten ancestral call.
#6
Even though I was born in the 1970s, today I ate a sandwich and then – less than 30 minutes later – went for a swim.
— Gareth P Jones also available in Bluesky (@jonesgarethp) September 10, 2024
#7
“I don’t know if I should have my own kids or just become a grandma and forget all that.”
— KID QUOTES! (@LiveFromSnackTi) September 10, 2023
– Lillian, 5 years old
#8
Sorry. Can’t. It’s my bday month so I have 423 businesses to patronize all so I can save $3.50 and get a free cookie
— floorboard (@StruggleDisplay) June 25, 2024
#9
hey sorry i forgot your name already i was busy getting ready to say my name while you were saying your name
— trash jones (@jzux) November 27, 2023
#10
In my will I’m leaving my kids an elaborate treasure map to a buried fortune. Once they finally locate and open it, it’s just going to be filled with everything they made me out of sticks and cardboard in elementary school
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 11, 2022
#11
i love when i spell something so wrong that autocorrect is like “listen sweetie i dont know what to tell you”
— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) November 17, 2023
#12
We are on vacation with 2 children and 2 adults over 65. 85% of our time is spent searching for food or a bathroom.
— Dr. Glaucomflecken (@DGlaucomflecken) July 1, 2024
#13
I went on a date with a guy who said he was 6’2. I would just like to announce that I too am 6’2 apparently.
— The Hybrid (@kchamps613) August 1, 2021
#14
When I was a kid I could name all the states and capitals in alphabetical order and now I’m excited if I can name what I had for breakfast two days ago
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) November 29, 2023
#15
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim "I must go to the sea!"
— Adriana Porter Felt (@__apf__) July 30, 2023
#16
Dog snoring: adorable
— Midge (@mxmclain) February 22, 2024
Husband snoring: unacceptable
#17
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) September 14, 2024
#18
before buying something online, ask yourself: do I want to get an email from this company for the rest of my life?
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) October 16, 2023
#19
I was freaking out, but it turns out my kid just inserted a whole fresh strawberry in her shoe and walked around like that for an hour pic.twitter.com/4mM6R0JHDi
— Robert Komaniecki (@Komaniecki_R) June 29, 2024
#20
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait. pic.twitter.com/1r3RegBuof
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) September 12, 2024
