Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
the smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 1, 2024
#2
my sister in law got a package of 96 diapers at her baby shower and my brother said “oh awesome that’s 96 days worth of diapers”
— Emma Berquist (@eeberquist) January 18, 2020
#3
My wife just said "It's freezing in here."
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 24, 2022
Let the annual Thermostat Games begin.
#4
Girls are like "how do you not remember my favorite food" idk how do you not remember what all your leg bruises are from?
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) June 8, 2020
#5
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 24, 2022
#6
I told him we have stairs and he said he likes stairs
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 10, 2024
-my kid, really selling this playdate to his friend
#7
My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) April 12, 2024
#8
A kid in the Dallas airport tapped me on the leg while we waited in a line, then whispered: “Hey! Guess what. My dad’s jet ski sank in a lake and WE NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN.”
— Matt Bell (@mdbell79) February 22, 2023
Kid’s mom: “STOP TELLING PEOPLE THAT!”
#9
Thrilled to announce that instead of saying “What are you doing?” my 2-year-old child goes around asking, in a tiny haunting voice, “What have you done?”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 30, 2022
#10
doing this cool thing in my house where I replace mundane words to sound more fun! For instance, "chores" have been replaced with "quests" and you "level up" when you complete a "quest"
— inspector ratchet (@_hood_mona_lisa) December 7, 2023
I am currently at level 0 and have done 0 quests
#11
Today my 5 yr old niece borrowed my phone to ask Siri: “why are butterfly wings so soft that I cannot even touch them?” then she called 911.
— dritty brake (@LipServX) July 23, 2018
#12
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 8, 2022
#13
honestly obsessed w the high drama of toddlers. my 2 year old fell & bumped her knee and she looked up at me like an ailing Victorian child & said “will I ever walk again??????????”
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 9, 2024
#14
There are two kinds of people: those who put their car keys in the exact same spot every single time they get home and those who lose them the moment they walk through the door and those two people marry each other
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) March 18, 2024
#15
Just over heard my husband telling the dog that he wants nothing more in life than to pet him, so I guess that was 16 years and three kids well spent
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 1, 2024
#16
Canceling my therapy appointment bc I had a bagel and I feel a little better now
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) October 24, 2024
#17
A short story all parents of >1 will understand: One of those giant blue stork signs announcing a new baby appeared in my neighborhood that said ANNOUNCING NEW BABY BEN and then a few days later a new pink sign went up that read AND NEW BIG SISTER SOPHIE
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 8, 2024
#18
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I'm loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen "to get something."
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 23, 2024
#19
My 5-year-old told me a school friend gave him his address so he can go over for play dates.
— Nicole St. Denis (@nicosttweets) April 11, 2024
The address: pic.twitter.com/mfUjY9OaVN
#20 LOL no way am I going down those stairs!!
Whoever did this at my job needs to be escorted out by noon today pic.twitter.com/uZHd8WFu6I
— Mixx /G (@Ras_Mixx) October 22, 2024