Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

At my baby shower years ago, someone told me I was having a best friend for life. This morning my daughter stole my mascara and told me I dress like Adam Sandler in case you’re wondering how that special friendship is progressing

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) March 22, 2023

7, snuggling against me and inhaling:

“I didn’t know women could also get B.O. too.”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) March 24, 2023

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

— meghan (@deloisivete) March 20, 2023

Helpful literary criticism from my 6th grader: “If there’s a dog on the cover and the book has won an award, I won’t read it, because the dog definitely dies.”

— Rebecca Makkai (@rebeccamakkai) March 18, 2023

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 19, 2023

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 24, 2023

My 8yo got my 5yo to confess to a crime she had previously denied (cutting holes in her pants) with a leading question when 5yo least suspected it 😆

8: When you cut your pants, did you do it like this *gestures*
5: No I did it like this!

Perfection. 😆

— Michelle Kay Camp (@freelancelawmom) March 22, 2023

Before kids: “My KiDs WiLL eAt wHaT I GiVe ThEm.”

Two kids in: “What do you want for lunch? A bowl of ketchup with a side of melted ice cream? Ok, here you go.”

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 23, 2023

my 6yo wanted to pretend they were toddlers and my 8yo wanted to pretend they could drive so they compromised by saying "let's just pretend it's the 80's when toddlers could drive cuz kids could do anything in the 80's"

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) March 21, 2023

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 21, 2023

midwesterners are like “let’s have a light lunch” and it’s caesar salad and fettuccini alfredo

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 22, 2023

5yo was on the iPad and found his way to Amazon.

Calling from the other room: “Hey Mama, can I press ‘buy now’? This is only $390.”

In other news, I set a new sprint record.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 18, 2023

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) March 21, 2023

my kid, who lost his water bottle, glove, and one shoe asked for a cellphone

“So I can call the office and ask if anyone has seen my stuff”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 22, 2023

I went out with some friends last night and came home with three new soup recipes. If this is middle-aged nightlife, I am here for it.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 22, 2023

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you'll always exit the farthest one from your car.

— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) March 20, 2023

"MOMMY LOOK IT'S A BOY ELEPHANT! I CAN SEE HIS 𝙋𝙀𝙀𝙀𝙀𝙀𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙎!" my 6yo yells to me and about fifty complete strangers in our vicinity pic.twitter.com/wTOcwzSvgD

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) March 19, 2023

To build character, I make my kids stare at this for 5 minutes before they can use the WiFi pic.twitter.com/nD1VBy2E0x

— The Dad (@thedad) March 22, 2023

My children's latest masterpiece: a single blueberry, left in a carton only part of the way on the bottom shelf. The lone blueberry had to go back in the fridge because, according to my 7-year-old, "It's a bad one." pic.twitter.com/a0OybiCDOn

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2023

DO NOT DRINK THE TUDOR MILK I REPEAT DO NOT DRINK THE TUDOR MILK pic.twitter.com/iRpojcsELT

— Stephen Hopkins (@phil_lol_ogist) March 23, 2023