Top 20 Funniest Tweets from Parents This Week

Last weekend my kids asked me what it was like growing up in the '80s. So, I took their phones and tablets off them, locked them outside and told them not to come back till the street lamps came on 😂

— I❤️Nostalgia (@il0venostalgia) January 10, 2023

Never get in the way of a woman who is panic cleaning.

— Laura is never ready (@ericamorecambe) January 11, 2023

My daughter was lecturing the cat about eating too much food and I’m nervous that I’m next

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 8, 2023

4yo: I need $60.

Me: Why?!

4yo: Don't worry about that.

— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) January 7, 2023

My daughter just now during dinner: "YOU WERE ALIVE IN THE 80s?!"

— Meena Harris (@meena) January 10, 2023

I’d love to see a cooking show where the chef attempts to cook an intricate dish while their toddler “helps” them

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) January 11, 2023

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, "Y'all are in for a real treat" and then passed out. 😭😭😭

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) January 10, 2023

My teen- Must be nice to be an adult and just get your way all the time
Me- *Driving a family car instead of a sports car while on my way to another kid activity for the 15th straight year in a row* Yeah, it’s a pretty sweet deal

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) January 10, 2023

I get that it’s easier to just text me when my table is ready, but when that coaster used to light up red and start to vibrate, man what a thrill.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 8, 2023

Adding “don’t lick the TV” to the list of sentences I never thought I’d say.

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) January 7, 2023

Life without kids sounds wild to me; you can just go on vacations or the bathroom whenever you want.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) January 12, 2023

These egg prices make me wish my husband got me six geese a-laying for Christmas.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 12, 2023

welcome to your 40's. If it's raining out your plans are cancelled even if they were indoors.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 12, 2023

Please join me in celebrating my full transformation into Person Who Throws on Coat Over Pajamas to Drop a Kid Off at School.

— Daniel Summers, MD (@WFKARS) January 13, 2023

Dear new parents. For your own sanity, do not start a habit of asking your kids what they’d like for dinner.

— Hollie McNish (@holliepoetry) January 10, 2023

Me: Why are you guys running in the house?

8-year-old: We're playing green light, green light.

Me: You mean red light, green light.

8: We only go.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2023

My toxic trait is I want to work out once and lose 100 lbs

— The Charmin' Carmen 🇨🇦 (@Charmin_Carmen) January 11, 2023

Me: Completely silent for an hour.
Husband: *turns on the tv*
Me: Immediately asks him 20 questions.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 10, 2023

My wife called and asked me to get the chicken thighs out of the freezer. I told her we don’t have any chicken thighs in the freezer so she said she’d check when she gets home- your thoughts and prayers are appreciated

— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) January 13, 2023

Kids today will never understand the feeling of euphoria from grabbing the last latest release VHS tape in Blockbuster on a Friday night.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 13, 2023