20 Funny and Relatable Tweets For Some Midweek Laughs

I just told a 1st grader, "We don't have time for you to run for mayor of the cafeteria." And he said, "I can't do that anyway, I'm already sheriff of the library." Then he walked out to the bus with exaggerated wide steps so as not to catch his trouser hems on imaginary spurs.

— Caitlin 🚗 🧀 Driscoll (@TeacherOnTopic) January 19, 2023

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

— octopus/caveman (@octopuscaveman) August 26, 2018

Didn't realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered "sure is gettin' tall"

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 19, 2022

My 8yo had the audacity to ask me why I cross my legs when I sneeze.

You, dude. You are the reason.

— Shannon (@ShannonJCurtin) September 11, 2022

I asked 5 how school was and he said “it’s literally none of your business“ so I said “I was literally cut open to give you life” then he told me school was awesome and gave me some of his cookie

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) October 6, 2022

(my 5-year-old daughter does a cartwheel)
Me: That was great! Do you want to try gymnastics classes? Or dance? You get to wear fun costumes and do shows.
Her: No. I want to be a normal person and do nothing.

— Marla Cáceres (@MarlaCaceres) August 2, 2022

Parents: A friendly reminder that the creator of Caillou is still out there somewhere, walking around like he did nothing wrong.

— Upside Dad (@UpsideDad) September 23, 2022

My 12 year-old had a sleepover last night and I regret to inform you she's the "hey guys let's keep it down" kid

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) September 18, 2022

I’ve always talked to my kid exactly like any other adult. Mostly because it’s hilarious. But now I’m facing the consequences. I feel like I’m parenting an elderly man in a 5yo’s body.

He went over and just stood by the window and said somberly “There’s a cold front coming in.”

— Loppy Rae: Update on 03/31! (@LoppyRae) December 28, 2023

Just remembering all the times when my mom would be like “you guys and your dad go without me, I’ll just stay here and read” and we truly felt sorry for her and WAIT A MINUTE

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) August 22, 2021

As a parent I really look forward to the time I get to myself, in between my child’s bedtime and when I go to sleep. All 7 minutes of it.

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) September 21, 2022

Thinking about a former student who told me she had started watching old movies, and when I asked oh like Casablanca countered with no The Breakfast Club

— meghan (@deloisivete) January 14, 2023

I’m Mom. You might remember me from such hits as “When is this assignment due?” and its sequel “How long have you known about this?”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 12, 2022

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) July 23, 2023

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

— Elisa Stone Leahy TETHERED TO OTHER STARS (@ElisaStoneLeahy) April 13, 2022

The only real parenting hack is to live close to the grandparents

— Peter Yang (@petergyang) January 15, 2023

My kid asked me to hold her ice cream without eating any and I was like, I love you kid but some lessons you have to learn the hard way

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 10, 2022

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) October 16, 2022

My three-year-old just went into his room for bed with something under his shirt. He happily told me it was his “t-Rex baby.”

Actually, it was a hunk of parmesan he wanted to gnaw on in bed. pic.twitter.com/q39vbfAjsN

— Lindsay Fickas (@lindsayfickas) January 16, 2023

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

— kidversations (@kidversations_) September 20, 2022