20 of the Best Tweets From Funny Mom Paige Kellerman

Just reached the level of winter pale where it looks like I've been trudging through the snow with my family and my oxen and there's a good chance I'll die if I don't make it to the next trading post.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 12, 2019

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 4, 2018

Sure, I could parent without screen time. I could also churn my own butter, but let's not get crazy here.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 3, 2017

I can already tell l’ll be spending most of my middle age being shocked at the price of red bell peppers.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 21, 2019

Having kids is fun because instead of planning where you’re going to go out partying on Friday night, you’re stuck in the pickup line at school, eating Twizzlers and shouting, That’s not how you merge, Karen.”

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 12, 2018

Me: Do you sometimes feel like you need to cry, but you're to tired to do it, so just kind of curl into a ball and stare into space?

Bank Employee: I meant questions about your account.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) February 1, 2019

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) September 14, 2017

Unless your fashion article is titled, “Five Hundred Ways to Style a Hoodie,” it may not be applicable to me at this point in my life.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 13, 2022

Renaming my kitchen junk drawer “The Cabinet of Curiosities,” to give it a little pizzazz.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 2, 2022

If you’re the type of person who needs to soak their crockpot for two days, before actually washing it, our friendship is built on something solid.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) September 13, 2018

"One two three four. One two three… oh crap. Wait, there she is. One two three four."

-Me relaxing with all my kids at the pool

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 7, 2016

Food Bloggers: Are you ready for an easy week night meal?

Me: Yes.

Food Bloggers: You'll probably even have most of the ingredients on hand.

Me: Awesome.

Food Bloggers: Ok, start by milking your goat.

Me: Wut

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) September 5, 2019

Me: Good, the kids are in bed. I can finally get some important stuff done.

*Puts on pjs
*Pours glass of wine
*Googles how tall Bruno Mars is in real life

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 24, 2018

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you're broke.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 24, 2019

When my husband asks why I take such long showers, it’s like he doesn’t realize I have to let the conditioner soak in along with the ramifications of all my life choices up to this point.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 15, 2020

7yo: Guess what a parent’s favorite holiday is.

Me: What?

7yo: Christmas. Because Santa takes care of everything and you just sit back and relax.

Me: It’s a huge relief, yes.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) December 9, 2019

In a murder mystery, I’d like to believe I’d be the detective, but in reality, I’d probably be the extra character drinking champagne in the dining room, shouting, “Isn’t this fun?” right before I got hit over the head with a candlestick.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 8, 2022

Remember, you’re never too poor to tell telemarketers you can’t talk because lunch is being served on the veranda. They don’t know.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) December 5, 2018

I realize we have technology but I’m going to keep writing my grocery lists on the back of old electric bill envelopes like the trash rat I am.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) October 19, 2022

Mirror: Lookin’ good today.

Grocery store window: You could probably use some sleep.

Target checkout camera: T’was winter when she contracted the cholera, quickly succumbed, and was buried in a shallow grave marked only with a rough-hewn tombstone and wisps of lemongrass.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) September 14, 2022