21 of the Best Posts From Funny Mom Paige Kellerman

Today I’m sharing some of my favorite quips from funny mom Paige Kellerman.

In her Instagram bio, Paige describes herself as “Author, Humorist, Eater of Cheesecakes. Not to brag, but I call all four of my kids by the right name almost 50% of the time.”

I mean, I think 50% is pretty impressive for four kids. I called one of my kids the dog’s name the other day LOL.

Anyway, I’ve rounded-up some of her funniest quips for you to enjoy!

#1

Mirror: Lookin’ good today.

Grocery store window: You could probably use some sleep.

Target checkout camera: T’was winter when she contracted the cholera, quickly succumbed, and was buried in a shallow grave marked only with a rough-hewn tombstone and wisps of lemongrass.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) September 14, 2022

#2

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) November 9, 2024

#3

Sure, I could parent without screen time. I could also churn my own butter, but let's not get crazy here.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 3, 2017

#4

I can already tell l’ll be spending most of my middle age being shocked at the price of red bell peppers.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 21, 2019

#5

Having kids is fun because instead of planning where you’re going to go out partying on Friday night, you’re stuck in the pickup line at school, eating Twizzlers and shouting, That’s not how you merge, Karen.”
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 12, 2018

#6

Caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning and it looks like my charisma will be doing the heavy lifting again today.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 1, 2024

#7

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) September 14, 2017

#8

Unless your fashion article is titled, “Five Hundred Ways to Style a Hoodie,” it may not be applicable to me at this point in my life.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 13, 2022

#9

Renaming my kitchen junk drawer “The Cabinet of Curiosities,” to give it a little pizzazz.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 2, 2022

#10

If you’re the type of person who needs to soak their crockpot for two days, before actually washing it, our friendship is built on something solid.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) September 13, 2018

#11

Food Bloggers: Are you ready for an easy week night meal?

Me: Yes.

Food Bloggers: You'll probably even have most of the ingredients on hand.

Me: Awesome.

Food Bloggers: Ok, start by milking your goat.

Me: Wut
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) September 5, 2019

#12

7yo: When you die, I don't think I'll be able to go to your funeral.

Me: Why? Will you be too sad?

7yo: I'll probably be traveling.

Of course.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 9, 2018

#13

When my husband asks why I take such long showers, it’s like he doesn’t realize I have to let the conditioner soak in along with the ramifications of all my life choices up to this point.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 15, 2020

#14

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you're broke.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 24, 2019

#15

"One two three four. One two three… oh crap. Wait, there she is. One two three four."

-Me relaxing with all my kids at the pool
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 7, 2016

#16

Remember, you’re never too poor to tell telemarketers you can’t talk because lunch is being served on the veranda. They don’t know.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) December 5, 2018

#17

In a murder mystery, I’d like to believe I’d be the detective, but in reality, I’d probably be the extra character drinking champagne in the dining room, shouting, “Isn’t this fun?” right before I got hit over the head with a candlestick.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 8, 2022

#18

What am I going to do with my one wild and precious life? Laundry, apparently.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) February 24, 2026

#19 I still only write grocery lists on paper. I like to have something tangible in my hand throughout the store, the notes app on a phone just isn’t the same…

I realize we have technology but I’m going to keep writing my grocery lists on the back of old electric bill envelopes like the trash rat I am.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) October 19, 2022

#20

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 4, 2018

#21

7yo: Guess what a parent’s favorite holiday is.

Me: What?

7yo: Christmas. Because Santa takes care of everything and you just sit back and relax.

Me: It’s a huge relief, yes.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) December 9, 2019

You can follow Paige on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Threads.

#1

#2

#3

#4

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#7

#8

#9

#10

#11

#12

#13

#14

#15

#16

#17

#18

#19 I still only write grocery lists on paper. I like to have something tangible in my hand throughout the store, the notes app on a phone just isn’t the same…

#20

#21

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