Top 20 Best Tweets from the Hilarious Candy Elliot

Me: I cleaned today so we’re ordering take out tonight.

Husband: Why?

Me: I’ll be taking no more questions at this time.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 17, 2023

Welcome to middle age. Clean sheet night excites you now.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 2, 2020

Do people who run marathons know they don’t have to?

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 23, 2019

I wish I could go out with you tonight but I have two avocados that will be ripe from 6:00- 6:15PM.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 23, 2021

Has 50 coffee mugs. Drinks out of the same one every day.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 9, 2022

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 8, 2022

My husband had a great idea today that I came up with 6 months ago.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 24, 2022

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 1, 2022

My husband just accused me of marrying him for free tech support. I’m not gonna lie, it was in my the top 3 reasons

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 18, 2022

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 11, 2023

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re the person who falls asleep on the couch after dinner and says “I was just resting my eyes for a minute."

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 23, 2022

My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 11, 2022

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you ask your spouse to hand you “that thingy” over there and they know exactly what that means.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 22, 2021

I’m officially at an age where I can’t tell if the phone I’m hearing is mine or on television.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 16, 2021

Walking on the wild side used to include smoking, drinking, and staying out all night. Now, walking on the wild side consists of driving at night, sitting on the floor, or eating highly acidic foods after 5:00PM.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 7, 2023

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 23, 2022

Stylist: Would you like me to curl your hair?

Me: Yes! When I do it myself I end up looking like Nellie Oleson from Little House on the Prairie.

Stylist: Who’s that?

Me: Just curl my damn hair.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 7, 2023

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 12, 2023

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 5, 2022

I was annoyed at my husband for misplacing his sunglasses again. After retracing our steps, I realized I was actually sitting on them in the car. So, I threw them under his seat and became the hero when I found them.

Follow me for more marriage advice.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 9, 2024