You know, I used to think 3 and 4-year-olds were the funniest people on earth, but after making this list, I think 5-year-olds may just take the cake!
Five is such a fun age because they are like little sponges, absorbing information about the world at an astounding rate.
They ask a million questions and think mom and dad have the answer to everything. Until they become teens and then think you know nothing LOL.
All of these quips made me laugh, hope you enjoy them as well.
#1
My 5-year old daughter: Can I have some matches?
— J.R. Blackwell (@jrblackwell) August 7, 2022
Me: Sweetie, matches are dangerous. Kids can’t play with matches.
My 5-year old daughter: Mom, I’m not going to PLAY with them, I’m going to light fires.
#2
Took my girls to see Little Mermaid.
— Stacy Mitchell, DO (@stacybmitchell) May 28, 2023
When King Trident realizes Ariel is gone and says, “What have I done?” my 5yo said, at top volume in a silent theatre, “You didn’t do anything, that girl just don’t listen!”
🤦🏻♀️🤣
#3
5yo: I WILL WEAR MY WHITE DRESS TO THE WEDDING ON FRIDAY
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) April 30, 2024
Me: Um, how about your blue one? People don’t usually wear white to—
5yo: I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THE BRIDE
#4
Woke up this morning to the 5yo standing by my bed and saying “I can’t help but notice that I’d like cookies for breakfast.”
— Dinah (@dinahaddie) December 18, 2022
#5
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) October 2, 2021
#6
My 5-year-old was pretending to do her Wordle with me. As she pushed buttons on her cardboard phone, "yes! I got it!" I asked how she got it so quick. Her, "I have a pretend phone I can do whatever I want." That's fair.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 14, 2022
#7
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) July 23, 2023
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
#8
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) July 12, 2022
#9
Little kids are creepy. My 5-year-old likes to draw faces on eggs before she cracks them. As she cracks them she likes to say "goodbye my babies." This person lives in my house.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) June 30, 2022
#10
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) September 26, 2024
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that's not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
#11
5 told me to come to her hair salon, rearranged my hair then put the mirror in front of us and said “well I look beautiful but I haven’t been able to help you this time” then she looked me in the eye and said “you still have to pay though”
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 6, 2022
#12
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 18, 2018
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
#13
My 5yo told me he's carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 8, 2023
#14
When my 5yo had her first soccer game she looked at the team on the other side and with a serious face asked, "Is that our enemy?" Yes, that's our enemy lol
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) October 9, 2022
#15
You think you’re going to have a pretty normal day and then your 5-year-old announces she only walks backwards now.
— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) April 20, 2019
#16
Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) June 22, 2021
#17
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
— meghan (@deloisivete) December 8, 2023
#18
5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.”
— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023
Reader, his name is HARVEY.
#19
5yo: IS THIS AN OLD NUMBER?
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) March 20, 2024
Me: I mean, all numbers are kind of the same age, babe.
5yo: BUT IS IT OLD?
Me: Sort of? I guess?
5yo: MY TEACHER SAID THERE ARE OLD NUMBERS AND EVEN NUMBERS SO WHICH IS IT
#20
I’m gonna say no to everything today.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) April 28, 2024
— my 5yo really setting the tone for the day
#21
My 5yo: AT SCHOOL IF YOU BE NAUGHTY YOU HAVE TO SIT IN A CHAIR AND I AM NOT NAUGHTY BUT I WANTED TO SIT IN THE CHAIR SO I BE CRAZY AND THE TEACHER TOLD ME TO SIT IN THE CHAIR
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) February 14, 2024
Me:
5yo: WASN’T EVEN FUN IN THE CHAIR. GUESS I’M DONE WITH THE CRAZY
#22
My 5-year-old told me a school friend gave him his address so he can go over for play dates.
— Nicole St. Denis (@nicosttweets) April 11, 2024
The address: pic.twitter.com/mfUjY9OaVN
#23
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
— octopus/caveman (@octopuscaveman) August 26, 2018
#24
My 5-year-old asked me what's my real name like she was Batman trying to interrogate me. As she gave me aggressive eye contact, "I know it's not mom."
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) October 20, 2022
#25
My 5yo asked me to come to her “restaurant.” Thought we were playing pretend. I got the special & ate the best make believe sandwich. She told me it was 1 dollar. I went to hand her my invisible $$$ & baby girl said, “no go get me some real cash”
— Eunique Jones Gibson (@eunique) November 12, 2021
I wanna speak to the manager 😩
