Parenting Humor: 20 of the Funniest Tweets About Raising Kids

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 11, 2021

*10yo complains that his brothers won’t leave him alone.*

Me: Well I’m sorry, you’ll just have to try to ignore them

10yo: Mom, imagine if EVERY TIME you tried to do something you got interrupted. Every time! IMAGINE!

Me: Oh yes…imagine.#parenting #LifeLessons

— Kristen | Driving Mom Crazy (@DrivingMomBlog) June 8, 2020

I love picking up my 5-year-old from kindergarten because she's always like, "my day was crazy!" and starts telling me this story about her having to color the letter J.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 1, 2022

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) May 18, 2022

My 8yo just tried to convince me that there's sugar all over his mouth because he tripped and landed on a donut.

— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) April 16, 2014

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a lazy Saturday morning we can panic because a sports uniform didn’t get put in the dryer.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 1, 2022

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

— meghan (@deloisivete) January 28, 2022

A good way to prepare for parenting is to talk to rocks because children have similar listening habits.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 29, 2022

I cleaned out my teen's room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 23, 2022

97% of parenting is just saying "oh wow" to your kid when they do something totally not wow.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 8, 2022

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

— 🌜🤷‍♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷‍♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) October 4, 2022

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling's name.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 27, 2018

Based on the feedback I’ve been given my biggest failing as a parent is that I’m “not mommy”

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 21, 2022

before becoming a parent i didn't know i could ruin someone's life by providing them with food, water, juice, clothes, entertainment and shelter for free.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 8, 2022

My teenager has really expensive taste for someone who can't afford to buy their own toothpaste.

— Raising Teens Today (@HonestTeenTalk) December 18, 2021

My kids are so open to experiencing culture. They’ll try anything, from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant

— The Dad (@thedad) November 5, 2018