20 Funny and Relatable Tweets For Some Midweek Laughs

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) December 22, 2023

as a child i thought i'd have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

— mike (@boy_from_school) May 13, 2018

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

— b (@curseoffeeling) December 20, 2018

5-year-old: …33, 34, 36, 37…

Me: You skipped 35.

5: I got rid of 35.

Update your math books accordingly.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2017

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

— Kate McKean (@kate_mckean) March 8, 2021

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) October 8, 2018

I accidentally flushed the toilet instead of letting my kid do it which in the toddler community is a crime punishable by death.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 3, 2019

Some people exercise before breakfast.

I've watched a show I didn't like because the remote fell on the floor.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 26, 2023

My young coworkers asked me to show them pictures of me in high school. I said I’d go home and dig some out. They said “can’t you just look on your phone?”

And I laughed and laughed and laughed and then cried.

— Emotional Support GOAT🐐 (@SwissArmyWife00) June 7, 2022

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) April 16, 2023

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I'm trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 23, 2024

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 23, 2019

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

— Abigail Higgins (@abbyhiggins) February 8, 2023

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 24, 2018

Wow, y’all! I just figured out how to get hubs to finally install those ceiling fans. I got a ladder, a yardstick, & a pencil, climbed up & said “Ok, the fan is 52” so how big do I need to cut the hole?”

— Kathy B. (@Kathryn84738540) July 6, 2023

sometimes my low pony looks cute but sometimes i look like a young man in colonial america eager to start his woodworking apprenticeship

— crick (@cricketcg) September 23, 2018

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if the house is 73 and you want it to be 68 turning the thermostat down to 60 doesn’t get you to 68 any quicker

and by idk who I mean my wife

but I can’t tell her because she is pregnant and scares me

— Jonathan Rittgers (@jonrittgers) August 20, 2020

2-year-old wandered away with an apple and came back empty handed. I said “Where’s your apple? Apple cores go in the trash,” and she looked at me funny and said “No, I always put my apple cores underneath.” UNDERNEATH WHAT?? I AM ALARMED.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 17, 2022

THEM: please don’t take this personally

ME: best I can do is immediately take it extra personally

— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) July 28, 2023

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

— Owl! at the Library 😴🧙‍♀️ (@SketchesbyBoze) July 26, 2022