20 of the Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) August 21, 2023

I was walking my husky when a great dane saw her and gave an almighty "WOOF!"

The owner, basically at eye-level with the dog: "Julio! I don't want to hear it."

— Verity Holloway (@Verity_Holloway) August 20, 2023

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) August 21, 2023

I stop, drop, and roll whenever someone knocks on my door.

— Jade Dragon (@MunkMania) August 25, 2023

it's not that I think I'm too smart to ever get sucked into a cult, it's more that I know I am unwilling to participate in anything even resembling a group project under any circumstances

— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) August 21, 2023

Just thought you’d all want to know: that huge box of random cables and power cords we all have? I threw mine away two years ago and I’m fine so far.

— Mueller, She Wrote (@MuellerSheWrote) August 20, 2023

If you finish a task early at work you should get to do silent reading time like we used to do in school

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 25, 2023

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

— trash jones (@jzux) August 26, 2023

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 23, 2023

one minute you’re young and the next minute you have tums in your bag “for emergencies”

— trash jones (@jzux) August 26, 2023

some big dude covered in tattoos smoking a cigar infront of my apartment “hey idk if anyone has ever told you but…. you are phenomenal at parallel parking — I’ve seen you a few times like ‘she ain’t gonna make it’ and then you do, incredible”

— alex (@miaowlex) August 20, 2023

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

— Laura prefers the bird (@ericamorecambe) August 26, 2023

My body type is “has a whole desk drawer just for snacks”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) August 24, 2023

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) August 26, 2023

It’s getting disrespectful how far I have to scroll to find my birth year.

— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) August 20, 2023

My aunt, who is in her 70s and lives in a lovely house in a DC suburb, said to me today “I always think ‘one day I’ll get it together and decorate my house so it looks like a grown up house’” so I guess that feeling never really goes away.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 21, 2023

Saw this yesterday pic.twitter.com/qHfYVLCpvG

— Lucy Dearlove (@dearlucy) August 22, 2023

love is when you want to make yourself a cute herby focaccia but you also make them a pizza corner pic.twitter.com/08FuvPdHmd

— Genevieve (@gankstrr) August 20, 2023

Often pic.twitter.com/VWSyWuyg18

— 🍹 Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock (@kimmie_c_) August 21, 2023

the perfect day doesn’t exi— pic.twitter.com/SFU5Kho6zH

— M Crane they/them (@mcrane_12) August 20, 2023