20 of the Best Tweets From Parents This Week

Me to my husband: "Don't worry, he's only 2, he'll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don't bring it up."

My 2yo: "Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt"

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 24, 2023

I had to tell one of my kids not to threaten to throw her sister into the sun. I mean, I don't think she could really do it, but it still seems sort of rude.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 22, 2023

Lol my 6th grader has to call his best friend’s grandma’s landline and is very unsure what to do if someone besides his friend answers.

YES YOU HAVE TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH THEM SON.

— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) August 21, 2023

I was trying to be strict with my daughter and said “I’m your dad, not your friend” and she started to tear up and said “I thought you were both…” so anyway I decided there actually aren’t any rules about how much ice cream she can have after dinner.

— The Dad (@thedad) August 20, 2023

They changed our school start time from 8:05 to 8:06 for this year.

…

— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) August 20, 2023

11-year-old: I'm bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven't learned those yet.

Lucky us.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 23, 2023

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

— meghan (@deloisivete) August 21, 2023

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) August 19, 2023

Halfway through my kid’s crazy complicated Subway order, the guy asked “Where you going with this sandwich, man?”

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 20, 2023

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 23, 2023

You know you're the parent of a teenager if they don't answer any of your calls, but they'll call you 27 times in a row until you answer.

— Raising Teens Today (@HonestTeenTalk) August 23, 2023

If you’re at someone’s house and they have children who both go down for a nap at the same time, that is your cue to GET OUT immediately

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) August 22, 2023

For an ice breaker, the teacher asked the class what’s something interesting about them they want to share with the class and my kid announced she’s allergic to “weed.”

WHEAT! She meant WHEAT and also she’s not allergic to it but well done on the ice breaker thing, kid.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 22, 2023

Have kids so they can sing HARD KNOCK LIFE whenever you ask them to do chores.

— nika (@nikalamity) August 21, 2023

My 7yo finally finished reading her chapter book. She admired the cover and was quiet for a bit. She looked at me, "it's hard walking around with all this knowledge in my brain." Giiirl, yes!

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 22, 2023

why do I bother sterilising milk bottles when my kid just licked the floor of Tesco

— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) August 22, 2023

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) August 20, 2023

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you're doing chores.

7: I'm going to bed now.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2023

My 3yo says Grandma and Grandpa live in a crack house (because their ceiling has some cracks) and I can't see any way this could get misconstrued

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) August 20, 2023

The eight year old: I wrote another book, my best one yet
Me: That’s so great, do you think you’ll be a writer when you grow up?
Her: *stares* Did you not hear me, I wrote books. I’m a writer already

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) August 22, 2023