20 Funny Tweets on Marriage and Parenting From “My Life As Dad”

"I'll see you later today" I whisper, as I pack a sandwich in my kid's lunchbox.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 29, 2022

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 23, 2023

Accidentally used my wife's shampoo and now I find missing stuff around the house without needing her help.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 27, 2022

There’s always that person who eats the pickles on their burger and the other throws them away. And they marry each other.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 4, 2022

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) February 22, 2023

Accidentally stumbled on my kid’s diary where she says sweet things about me like how she loves me and how she can’t sleep all night because I snore “like cow and pig.”

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) January 17, 2023

6yo: Do adults cry?

Me: They do.

6yo: You probably cry when you go to work.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) January 9, 2024

I have to admit, at times my wife scares me. Not because of anything she did, but because of her Netflix history of crime shows.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 8, 2022

“Sit still you animals !” My wife yells at the kids just before she posts the photo she took of them on Facebook captioned “My World”.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 12, 2022

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) March 13, 2023

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) July 6, 2023

One of the best highs a husband can experience is when he realizes the reason his wife is mad, is not because of him.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 20, 2023

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 16, 2022

Boys and girls are so different. My girl was reciting the alphabet in full at 18 months, but as for my 2yo son, I’ve had to yell at him 3 times in less than 5 minutes to not deliberately run head first into the load bearing basement post.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) December 11, 2023

*I’m eating an apple and my wife is staring at me and smiling*

Me: What’s up?

My wife: It bothers me the way you eat the apple.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) July 28, 2023

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a "nicer kid".

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 10, 2023

I'm over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 19, 2022

Marriage AND Parenting tip: If your wife says it’s ok for you to go out on a guys night while she stays with the kids, bring back something juicy for her to enjoy and feast on, like gossip.

You’re welcome

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) March 13, 2022

Parenting tip: For a teething infant, call grandma and tell her to pick up the kid. She wanted grandchildren, right?

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) March 29, 2022

In case you’re wondering about my level of authority, I told my kid she can have a snack but she still asked for confirmation from my wife.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 31, 2023