20 Hilariously Relatable Tweets From One of the Funniest Dads Around

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 29, 2018

Just got in trouble for using one of the pillows on the couch as a pillow.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 8, 2018

Sorry for anything I said while it was 109° outside.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 29, 2021

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 12, 2016

Went into Target for a couple items and my wife said “let’s not get a cart” and then we laughed and laughed and grabbed two just in case.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 6, 2019

The way you say “representative” to an automated system is the real you.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 25, 2022

ME: [reviewing any picture just taken of myself] eww gross

ME: [reviewing that same picture years later] wow look how good i used to look

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 7, 2020

Never anticipated how much of adulthood would just be unsubscribing from emails and breaking down Amazon boxes.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 10, 2022

STUNTMAN ON TV: don't try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 31, 2017

Having a garage sale is a great example of how with many hours of planning and preparation anybody can make $35.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 3, 2018

I just want to be rich enough to never have to assemble another piece of furniture that requires an allen key.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 9, 2017

My wife just got mad at me for fast forwarding through a commercial because she wanted to use that time to look at her phone.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 11, 2019

One of my bucket list items is to make it through a self-checkout without needing an employee to type in some override.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2023

DATING: can’t wait to see you again

MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020

Reached that age where watching the Grammys makes me feel like I just woke up from a 25 year coma and have no idea what is going on.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 27, 2020

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 9, 2019

Used to wonder why my parents couldn’t grasp technology but now anytime I see something new I’m like “I’m not learning that.”

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 18, 2020

90% of my text messages are one-time codes because i forgot a password

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 25, 2021

There is no way to maintain your dignity trying to pull apart two shopping carts.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 20, 2022