20 Funny Tweets to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

Was in Paris on Friday night and a handsome French man was flirting with me and I asked him what his name was and he said (very Frenchly) “Ah you will be disappointed” and I thought what a silly thing to say and then he said “it is Kevin” and you know what? I was disappointed.

— molly (@mollyEatsTofu) January 15, 2023

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It's like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 28, 2019

If I say “we should definitely do that some time” please don’t try to actually set a date and time. Just move on with your life.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) February 28, 2024

in 7th grade a boy asked me to be his girlfriend and I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly so I panicked and just said yes and then he high fived me and we never spoke again. Jamal, if you’re out there, happy 11 year anniversary

— erma (@erma_geddon) June 1, 2018

A sandwich tastes better when it’s cut in half. I’ll take no discussion on this.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) May 22, 2020

Told my kids they had to share a donut and they whipped out a ruler, protractor, scale, and magnifying glass

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 3, 2022

The doctor’s office needs to get those discs that light up to tell you the doctor is ready to see you that way you can go grab a coffee, do some grocery shopping, and get a university degree while you wait for your appointment

— Sam G (@ItsSamG) December 21, 2023

Can someone explain recipe blogs to me?

I mean, I just want to bake sugar cookies. I don't need 17 paragraphs on how when Great-Aunt Ginny found out she was ambidextrous in 1912 and the locusts came it helped you realize you should double the butter for best results.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) December 18, 2019

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

— Granite Man 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 (@GraniteDhuine) March 1, 2024

my daughter just took such an epic nap she woke up and asked "am i still four?"

— todd dillard (@toddedillard) April 29, 2020

Sure babies are cute but one day they grow into little gangly preteen creatures that tell you you're being "cringe." Bro how am I being bullied by a person I had to teach to use the potty

— The Dad (@thedad) March 21, 2021

My wife can eat one Reese's peanut butter cup, rewrap the other one and save it for later, so clearly I married a supernatural being.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 29, 2024

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

— Dan (@dadopotamus) March 14, 2022

I never feel more gangsta than when I’m at a grocery store and I pull out a reusable tote bag with another grocery store’s logo on it.

— Drew (some assembly required) (@dmc1138) February 26, 2024

Some people think middle age isn’t exciting but I put out a new bird feeder and seeing the first bird find it was better than most concerts I’ve been to.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 22, 2022

no unfortunately i cannot give you directions around the city i have lived in my entire life

— 🌸🌸 (@Graciethebrand) March 2, 2024

Welcome to middle age. You now get stuck in clothes. Godspeed removing that top without dislocating your shoulder.

— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) July 19, 2023

At no point do I ever need to be tagged with 99 others

— Auntie.Quotes (@auntie_quotes) November 4, 2023

apparently this was sold as a live Willy Wonka Experience but they used all AI images on the website to sell tickets and then people showed up and saw this and it got so bad people called the cops lmao pic.twitter.com/tfkyg0G0WG

— Chris Alsikkan (@AlsikkanTV) February 26, 2024

Midwesterners were shirtless today pic.twitter.com/sK4lf3NBQd

— Midwest vs. Everybody (@midwestern_ope) February 22, 2024