Just a little round-up of some funny tweets to add some humor to your day!
Janene
#1
Was in Paris on Friday night and a handsome French man was flirting with me and I asked him what his name was and he said (very Frenchly) “Ah you will be disappointed” and I thought what a silly thing to say and then he said “it is Kevin” and you know what? I was disappointed.
— molly (@mollyEatsTofu) January 15, 2023
#2
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It's like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 28, 2019
#3
Last weekend I took my kids to their first theme park. The logistics, money, hauling of all the things, lines…all ok because I wanted to do something special for them.
— Parenting Presently (@presentparent_) March 7, 2024
I also took them to a playground.
Then, because I must hate myself, I asked them which they liked better.
#4
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would've happened if you had just listened to her.
— Dudish (@TheRealDudish) May 21, 2023
#6
The first known use of ‘conspiracy theory’ was in 1863…or so they want you to believe.
— Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) December 8, 2025
#7
Can someone explain recipe blogs to me?
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) December 18, 2019
I mean, I just want to bake sugar cookies. I don't need 17 paragraphs on how when Great-Aunt Ginny found out she was ambidextrous in 1912 and the locusts came it helped you realize you should double the butter for best results.
#8
Told my kids they had to share a donut and they whipped out a ruler, protractor, scale, and magnifying glass
— floorboard (@StruggleDisplay) March 3, 2022
#9
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
— Granite Man 🏴 (@GraniteDhuine) March 1, 2024
#10
my daughter just took such an epic nap she woke up and asked "am i still four?"
— todd dillard (@toddedillard) April 29, 2020
#11
Sure babies are cute but one day they grow into little gangly preteen creatures that tell you you're being "cringe." Bro how am I being bullied by a person I had to teach to use the potty
— The Dad (@thedad) March 21, 2021
#12
My wife can eat one Reese's peanut butter cup, rewrap the other one and save it for later, so clearly I married a supernatural being.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 29, 2024
#13
5: I need you to give me some money.
— Dan (@dadopotamus) March 14, 2022
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
#14
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) December 22, 2023
#15
no unfortunately i cannot give you directions around the city i have lived in my entire life
— Follyyyy (@wtffolly_) March 2, 2024
#16
Me watching a movie where the characters are involved in long action sequences: When’s the last time these people ate?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 22, 2024
#17
my boyfriend and i aren’t big on pet names and occasionally opt for “beloved” or “sweetheart” but recently he’s been calling me Meatball Tony im afraid this is the one that’s really stuck
— Grace (@gracecamille_) January 10, 2025
#18
At no point do I ever need to be tagged with 99 others
— Auntie.Quotes (@auntie_quotes) November 4, 2023
#19
Every time I call my mom in the morning I ask, "Did I wake you?" and she's always "God, no. I've been up since 2 AM and have cleaned the house, done the laundry, ironed my curtains, landscaped the yard and built a new sunroom."
— The Real Rodney Lacroix (@RealRodLacroix) April 5, 2024
#20
[David Attenborough voice]
— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 10, 2023
After wearing it for their entire childhood, the human teenager must shed their coat and bear even the harshest cold in order to prove their strength and attract a mate. In fact, wearing a coat is seen as a sign of weakness amongst their herd.
