25 Funny Tweets On Marriage and Parenting From McDad

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) April 19, 2024

My teen has informed us that when she has kids, she’s going to limit screen time, take them hiking, teach them how to raise chickens and milk cows, demonstrate the value of work.

This is the same kid who won’t take her shoes upstairs

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) August 27, 2024

My dog just let out a sigh like she worked a 12 hour shift, sat in traffic, picked up the 3 kids from daycare, made dinner and just wants 5 minutes to herself

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) September 25, 2024

Surely not the same kid who trashed my car for 16 years telling me not to bring trash in her car

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) April 24, 2024

Hotels are like “Here’s 17 pillows on the bed. None of them are comfortable.”

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) June 11, 2022

Sorry I was late. The app that I’ve been automatically logged into for months was asking for my password

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) February 20, 2025

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) November 1, 2022

People are filming movies on their iPhones and I’m just over here trying to not accidentally turn on the flashlight every time I pick it up

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) October 12, 2022

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 24, 2023

If I had a dollar for every recipe saved to my phone that I’ll never look at again

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 22, 2024

My wife said we need to “evaluate the garage” so there goes my weekend

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) February 24, 2024

I sent my teen a meme and she actually responded with a 😂.
I’m gonna ride this high all week

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) January 21, 2024

When you finally figure out what movie you want to watch and it’s not available on any of your 37 streaming services

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) May 21, 2024

A dad’s sneeze gains 10 decibels every year. It’s science

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) November 29, 2022

Every Sunday night, I once again lie in bed thinking of the 3 things I needed to do over the weekend that would’ve taken like 10 minutes and I still didn’t do them.

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) November 13, 2022

If you’re thinking about becoming a parent, just know my kid was playing a kazoo at 6:30am

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) December 2, 2022

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) July 18, 2024

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) April 25, 2023

I started video recording my gym workouts. Not for likes on social media, but for the paramedics to know exactly what happened

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) December 27, 2023

When a teen says “I know”… They don’t.
They don’t know.

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 10, 2022

We’re going out to eat downtown tonight. I’ve been researching parking garages in the area for a month

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) May 25, 2024

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) July 28, 2022

One of the toughest parts about parenting a teen is having to stay awake till 11pm to pick them up from an event

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) July 15, 2023

No one’s ever more confident than my teen daughter telling me how to do something she’s never done

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) March 6, 2023

Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me?

Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball.

Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) August 25, 2022