20 of the Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

My daughter lost her first tooth today. I just realized I have a one and a twenty. It's 10:37PM.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 5, 2023

I told my 8-year-old that I would bring him anywhere he wanted for his birthday and he picked Australia.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 3, 2023

My kid grabbed her dinner, tablet, and book bag, left the kitchen shouting “I have an important meeting”.

She’s five. I have so many questions 🤦🏻‍♂️

— Panagis Galiatsatos, MD, MHS (@panagis21) September 1, 2023

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 8, 2023

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) September 2, 2023

98% of parenting is trying to get your kids to do things they DO NOT want to do that you would absolutely love to do yourself.

Daily nap? Nice warm bath at the end of a day? Sitting in the shopping cart for a chauffeured ride around the market?

Please. I volunteer.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) September 4, 2023

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

— Midge (@mxmclain) September 8, 2023

If natural causes won’t kill me, my kid’s homework surely will.

— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) September 6, 2023

My kid asked me what I did with my free time before she was born and I honestly have no idea but I think there was a lot more sleep

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 6, 2023

me: goodnight I love you. Thanks for watching a movie with me tonight

10: you're welcome. I didn't have anything else to do.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 7, 2023

My daughter ate a whole bag of chips and then said “I’m not even that hungry they just tasted good” and I’ve never felt closer to her

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 4, 2023

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

— Michael Vogel (@MichaelVogel1) September 5, 2023

My 3yo was super excited today because she got to eat "broccoli with all the color taken out." She was talking about cauliflower.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) September 9, 2023

PARENT PROTIP: Don't read that email from the school; save your energy for the follow-up with corrections they'll send in a few minutes.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 6, 2023

My son was following me around being annoying. I turned around and asked what he wanted. He leaned in, "we've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty." No notes! Perfect performance.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 3, 2023

My wife teaches 8th grade, which means half the boys haven’t discovered deodorant yet and the other half have discovered Axe Body Spray

— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) September 3, 2023

Shout out to the parents who eat the heel of the bread, the bruised apple bits, and the already-licked popsicle that’s the wrong color. You are my people.

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) September 5, 2023

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

— Twinstant Family | Lisa (@twinstantfamily) September 4, 2023

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I'M GOOD.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) September 6, 2023

Two of my nephews call me Potatochip. One of them started kindergarten last week.

He was telling me a story from school. "Potatochip! Today in kindergarten – "

My sister said, "You know, Aunt Caitlin TEACHES kindergarten."

Nephew said, "Sorry. MISS Potatochip…"

— Caitlin 🚗 🧀 Driscoll (@TeacherOnTopic) September 8, 2023