20 of the Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 18, 2023

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) September 22, 2023

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 18, 2023

I ruined my 13-year-old's life tonight, which is weird because I also ruined it last night. I guess I missed the part where I unruined it in between.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 19, 2023

Husband, day 1 of owning a dog: It’s just a dog.

Husband, day 2 of owning a dog: We should give the dog a middle name.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 22, 2023

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

— Be Kind Of Witty (@bekindofwitty) September 17, 2023

It’s once again that time of the year when you can open your windows on a cool morning and share your family’s dysfunction with the whole neighborhood.

— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) September 21, 2023

“Ohhh. Because it’s our dog’s birthday.”

-my 5 yo son after noticing I was wearing a blouse rather than a t-shirt today

— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) September 21, 2023

Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”

— The Dad (@thedad) September 19, 2023

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 20, 2023

Temperature drops from 93° to 86°

People in the south: Hello fall! 🍁

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 22, 2023

did i just eat fish tacos at 9 in the morning? yes.
is my wife drawing up divorce papers as we speak? also yes.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 22, 2023

My 2.5yo is so feral he just dipped his pacifier in chick fil a sauce and then ran away.

— emily (@emilykmay) September 22, 2023

*My kids were roleplaying my wife and I*

8yo *Being me*: Is this tweet funny? Can I post it?

5yo *Being my wife*: Can you please leave me alone for 5 minutes to drink my coffee?!

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 18, 2023

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 22, 2023

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) September 19, 2023

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season

— Michelle 🍎 (@michelleDbelle) September 21, 2023

Why wouldn’t there be a glue stick in my medicine cabinet I think to myself as I carefully put it back and shut the door

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 22, 2023

My parents are keeping my kids next week, so I am including in their instructions the commentary that my 2yo will expect in his bedtime books.

If you don’t say, “sharp teeth, ouch!” when you see the shark on the page, he will become enraged.

— emily (@emilykmay) September 21, 2023

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like "Wow I'm so glad it well went!" and he was like "oh no, it went terribly." 😂

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 21, 2023