20 of the Best Tweets From Parents This Week

Picked my oldest up from school an hour early, unplanned, with McDonald’s, because the video game he wanted for his birthday next week dropped today and I spent all morning downloading it and I couldn’t wait.

He better put me in the *nicest* nursing home someday.

— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) October 24, 2023

I woke up to find my child drawing broken hearts all over himself in pen. I asked him why he was doing that, and he said “My heart is so sad because you didn’t feed me yet.” It was 6:22 am.

— StressieBessie (@EPrecipice) October 22, 2023

I let my teens have their friends/ whoever they’re dating over to our house to hang out like pretty much whenever they ask because it causes them to clean our house & their rooms at a standard I wasn’t even aware they were capable of.

— Irreverent Reverend ✊🏼🙏🏼 (@TheAmberPicota) October 23, 2023

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 23, 2023

My 9yo’s carpet cleaning infomercial:

Spilled smoothie? No worries! Just put a pillow on it and go play basketball.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 27, 2023

Told my kids I couldn’t find the hot cocoa powder to which my 4yo said, “maybe someone took it and hid it behind my bed” which is a suspiciously specific theory.

— Be Kind Of Witty (@bekindofwitty) October 27, 2023

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: "This is your third time up. Go back to bed."

7yo: *frantically* "Wait — wait Daddy –"

Me: "Whatever it is, tell me in the morning."

7yo: *gasp* "IfYouWereADolphinYou'dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears."

— Josiah Hawthorne (@JosiahHawthorne) October 25, 2023

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 25, 2023

I just explained to 9 what Mapquest was and the fact that we used to have to print out the directions and take them with us

He laughed super hard at me asked if we would tape them to the dash

— Gabriel Bosslet (@gbosslet) October 22, 2023

I hate when people say “you look tired.”
I have kids, this is just how I look now.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) October 25, 2023

This year for Halloween decorations I’m just using printouts of 3rd grade math homework

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 24, 2023

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming

— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) October 23, 2023

My 4-year-old doesn’t have school on Mondays and she has been talking nonstop for 5 hours, and that’s why I didn’t even notice that the song she was singing for 15 minutes while we browsed Home Goods contained only the lyrics “If you get run over in the parking lot you will die”

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 23, 2023

We have a photographer at our house for family and newborn pictures, so naturally my husband is out cleaning the grill.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 27, 2023

Can we talk about a unique privacy challenge parents face today? Between FaceTime and interactive games, my kid’s friends are de facto guests in my home at any time. It’s jarring when I yell at my kid for leaving socks on the counter and I’m met with a, “hi, Mrs P” from the iPad.

— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) October 23, 2023

My kid just used the phrase "a perfect circle of parmesean cheese" when talking to his friends and I don't care if he's cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he's doing I must be a part of it.

— Robo Justin (running on Windows 97) (@justinmatic5000) October 23, 2023

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 23, 2023

17 was telling me his gf was mad at him cuz when he went to her house he stayed in the kitchen and wouldn’t go upstairs to her room with the rest of their friends. When she asked him why he said he wasn’t going to disrespect her parents by going into her room.

Oh my heart 🥹

— Linda (@turtledumplin) October 21, 2023

My husband makes my tea every morning. It's nothing fancy. Nothing big. Well, he's out of town this week. There's nobody to make my tea. As I walked into the kitchen, I saw my son already making my tea. He smiled, "I'll make it for you while dad is gone." The little things matter

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) October 23, 2023