20 of the Best Tweets From Parents This Week

Toddlers be like, "excuse me madam that's my emotional support Walmart receipt"

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 12, 2023

My friend and I discussing what seafood we like:

Me: I don't like lobster or crab

My 3yo, trying to be part of the conversation but has never had shellfish in his life: I don't like…starfish.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 12, 2023

Showed my 7 year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little angel asked me if it was a 'caveman iPad' and I am still in shambles

— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) October 9, 2023

Me (tenderly smoothing my 3yo's hair off his forehead): "Did you know that I love you with all my heart?"

3yo (chowing down on lunch with great ferocity): "IF I DO NOT EAT MINE BANANA, A MONKEY WILL TUM AND DOBBLE IT ALL UP"

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 10, 2023

I (43F) just had my son (17M) tell me, "You'll never appreciate Nirvana like I do," when a video of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" came on You Tube.

This is in zero parenting manuals.

— Rachel Hawkins/Erin Sterling (@LadyHawkins) October 12, 2023

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn't know that was an option.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 11, 2023

ME: Your dad & I were married 7 yrs before we had you.
12yo: Really? Why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience?

— nika (@nikalamity) October 12, 2023

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 13, 2023

When my parents and my kids FaceTime, my kids won’t answer my parents’ questions so I repeat their questions to my kids. Then my parents can’t understand what my kids say so I repeat their answers to my parents. A great time is had by all.

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) October 12, 2023

Toddlers are the only people who can sneeze right into your face, and you still keep them around.

— My Life Is The Pitts Family (@LifePitts) October 8, 2023

me: wanna watch a video of me playing soccer when I was your age?

my 9yo: is it like one of those old time movies that’s in black and white with no sound and you need a big machine to watch it?

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 13, 2023

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night my kids tell me they don’t have any homework & then end up asking if I can go buy printer ink at 10pm.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 9, 2023

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 12, 2023

*Sitting all together in the living room*

My wife: Alexa, play songs from 2004.

My 8yo: OMG seriously? Old people songs?

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 10, 2023

Daughter got her first phone. Here is a list of the things she’s called me about:
-saw a cool bug
-made up a new song
-can we have ribs for dinner
-how do you spell suspicious

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 9, 2023

My husband (a neuroscientist) and my daughter (a stubborn 4yo) are arguing about the brain. There will be no winners.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) October 11, 2023

On the ride home from school my 6 year old and I were chatting about his day when he said, “well if you don’t mind I’m going to make a really cool paper airplane right now so if you could not talk that would be nice.” Which is my new favorite way to end conversations.

— sweatpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) October 11, 2023

All dads: let's buy these $5 pumpkins at Walmart and save money and everyone's happy.

All wives: no I'd rather buy 2 pumpkins for $376 at the pumpkin patch and yell at the kids for 2 hours trying to take cute pictures and then everyone goes home mad and crying.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 8, 2023

You can buy all the fancy toys in the world, but they are just as likely to want to play with a raw potato.

— Korin Reid (@korinreid) October 13, 2023

This morning my 3yo was mad and told me he wanted a different mama and I said “what kind of mama do you want?” And he said “one who wears a black suit”. I think about the ways I’m failing as a parent a lot but I hadn’t even considered that it’s bc I don’t have a black suit.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 9, 2023