20 Funny Tweets to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

my dad rates the complexity of a shopping list by how many phone calls home he thinks it will take. parents are hosting a dinner party tonight and he looks at the list my mom gave him and says “woah this is a 5-caller for sure”

— Sara Connors (@sara_connors) June 2, 2018

20 year olds are out here with baby pictures that just look like a current picture of a baby and not like a grainy still from a true crime documentary like the rest of us.

— ian karmel (@IanKarmel) October 12, 2021

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would've happened if you had just listened to her.

— Dudish (@TheRealDudish) May 21, 2023

whenever a car waits for me to cross the street, I wave and mouth ‘thank you’ and rush across as fast as I can because I need them to think, wow what an 11/10 pedestrian

— Sarah J. Hass (@tacko_belle) October 29, 2023

Everything is terrible but my neighbor has a big dog named Maximus and just named his new tiny dog Minimus.

— Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) April 2, 2020

My husband said he's had a long, hard week and wants to enjoy the weekend in a clean house with some delicious meals. I told him that seemed fair. And I know his mother will love having him for a couple of days.

— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) April 30, 2021

MY DOG'S VET: who's a good boy? who's the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) January 18, 2024

*10yo complains that his brothers won’t leave him alone.*

Me: Well I’m sorry, you’ll just have to try to ignore them

10yo: Mom, imagine if EVERY TIME you tried to do something you got interrupted. Every time! IMAGINE!

Me: Oh yes…imagine.#parenting #LifeLessons

— Kristen | Driving Mom Crazy (@DrivingMomBlog) June 8, 2020

dream logic is so weird. you’ll be exploring an underwater shipwreck but you’ll also be like “this is the walmart that my dad owns.”

— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) May 16, 2021

I went out to pick up a few things. I did not know everyone else was doing the same thing. That was terrible and I won’t be back to the outside again.

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) November 18, 2023

My husband extended his hand toward me and I took it and held it tightly like we were teenagers again. He looked deep into my eyes and said “I was reaching for the remote.”

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 28, 2022

My total was $129 at target and my kid was like “I can put this back” lmao GIRL $1.29 for your snickers bar isn’t gonna fix this 😂

— KLUVVVV (@mamahaaze) May 3, 2020

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

— scammedpants cher🔸 (@House_Feminist) November 3, 2018

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 23, 2019

I’m not a licensed interior designer but I just figured out you can make a room look 30% bigger if you put away the 14 loads of laundry on the floor wow

— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) July 20, 2018

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) February 22, 2021

Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) December 15, 2023

good morning to everyone but especially the woman in the crosswalk on my way to work who didn’t like that someone honked at her to hurry so she stopped and did a couple jumping jacks

— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) February 21, 2019

I've been wanting a new alarm clock, so I found and bought this one. Seriously. I remember it fondly, and I know it can survive the pending apocalypse. The GE alarm clock is eternal. pic.twitter.com/AvHcfRnb8Z

— WernerKlopek (@DrWernerKlopek) February 17, 2024

Told my niece to fold the clothes in the dryer and came back to this🤦🏽‍♂️😭 pic.twitter.com/BILBLnI4MI

— Señor waves🌊 (@joey_fazo2) February 24, 2024