20 of the Funniest Marriage Tweets in January 2024

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 5, 2024

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 29, 2024

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 4, 2024

My wife just told me to get a burrito from the front pocket of her purse and I've never been more in love in my life.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 5, 2024

Five words that absolutely terrify my husband: “I'll go check for myself."

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 19, 2024

How ‘bout Amazon trucks that play music like ice cream trucks so my wife knows when to go running out to the curb.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) January 10, 2024

My wife literally has everything in her purse.

Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice.

She had 2 of each.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 10, 2024

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 8, 2024

One minute you’re happily married and the next minute he’s cut open a resealable Costco-sized bag.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 17, 2024

At the store when my wife texted from home, "THERE IS SOMETHING HUGE MOVING AROUND IN THE ATTIC" so I think I'll just hang out here in Aisle 5 for a while.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 19, 2024

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all week is we haven't had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 18, 2024

I was annoyed at my husband for misplacing his sunglasses again. After retracing our steps, I realized I was actually sitting on them in the car. So, I threw them under his seat and became the hero when I found them.

Follow me for more marriage advice.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 9, 2024

Let's get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid's birthday party where everyone coughs.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 27, 2024

Mornings when my wife can sleep in:

Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks, using AirPods to keep the TV volume and Zoom meetings from disturbing her]

Mornings when I can sleep in:

Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [sound of blender]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 16, 2024

Marriage is driving by gas stations and announcing the prices.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 12, 2024

every relationship needs one person who says “What else has he been in” while watching something and one person who excitedly reads their IMDB out loud

— buffalo bill dan (@FranziaMom) January 19, 2024

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

— 🌜🤷‍♂️ Dad Moon Rising 🤷‍♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) January 9, 2024

I texted my wife asking how her day was going and she wrote back DO WE HAVE LIMES so I guess there's my answer.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 25, 2024

My wife changed the password on the TV because I watched one of our shows when she wasn't home.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 9, 2024

My husband made those easy bake pillsbury crescent rolls this morning.

Ladies and gentlemen, the crescent rolls: pic.twitter.com/yU5keyGY7M

— Nimisha Barton (@NimishaBarton) January 1, 2024