20 Funny and Relatable Tweets About Married Life

The audacity of my husband not understanding exactly what I’m talking about when I start my sentence halfway through a thought

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 13, 2022

When your wife starts a sentence with “when you get a chance” just go ahead and start puttin your shoes on. She means now.

— VFLBeezy (@VFLBEEZY) December 22, 2021

My wife made plans for us to go out tonight and the plans start at 8pm. What am I, 28?

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 5, 2023

You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 23, 2023

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 17, 2017

Me: I've been running 3 miles a day and eating clean. I'm down 0.25 lbs

Husband: I got up to change the channel yesterday and lost 32 lbs

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 26, 2017

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn't funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) July 10, 2023

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

— The Dad (@thedad) July 2, 2023

My husband just said "calm down" like he wants his own Dateline Special.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 9, 2022

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

— emily may (@emilykmay) August 24, 2023

How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 29, 2022

When my wife says “So I was thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re either moving or starting another home reno project.

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 30, 2023

For every year of marriage, your wife will put on her pajama pants 20 minutes earlier.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 9, 2018

Wife: Do you think I should get an exercise bike?

Me: No.

Wife: Why not?

Me: You don't need any exercise.

Wife: That was the right answer.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2019

I told my son he needed to clean his room and he said “maybe later, I have a headache.” I told him that was no excuse and heard my husband snort laugh from three rooms away.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 12, 2021

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013

It's my wife's job to tell me our exit is 2 miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is 2 miles away.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 7, 2024

If your wife tells you to do whatever you want, the last thing you should do (and I can’t stress this enough) is whatever you want.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 28, 2020

Hey guys,

Sorry if you don't hear from me for a while.

My wife bought "a few things" at IKEA, and I'm going to be assembling it till the day I die. pic.twitter.com/da38ZFo1Z5

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2019