Top 20 Funniest Marriage Tweets in December 2023

Me: Bathroom is cleaned.
Wife: Thank you.
Me: Why do we keep the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What?
Me: Why is the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: The puffy thing with the handle.
Wife: MY LOOFAH?!
Me: You named the toilet brush?

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 8, 2023

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) December 7, 2023

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 6, 2023

Welcome to the world of menopause, where you get into the car after your wife drove it in the middle of winter with below-zero temps and the air conditioning is on full blast.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 16, 2023

my husband keeps telling everyone i messed up his breakfast bc i forgot to make him toast so he got mad at me because he’s “lack-toast intolerant” and then laughs and laughs

they dont warn you about endless dad jokes, they should, but they dont

— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) December 27, 2023

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) December 7, 2023

Wife and I agreed on no Christmas gifts for each other so of course I've been shopping for her every day since October because this is clearly a trap.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 22, 2023

There are people who refuse to eat food past their best before date and there are people who disregard it completely and they marry each other.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 13, 2023

My wife is wrapping Christmas gifts, so our dog and I have to go in the other room because "we don't know how to act around gift wrap rolls."

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 16, 2023

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I'm baking cookies and she's waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 22, 2023

My husband bought a stud finder and didn’t put it to his chest to see if it works. Someone come take his dad card away.

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) December 4, 2023

My husband woke up all chatty like he’s new here.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 13, 2023

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 11, 2023

When my wife and I start a movie after 8PM it automatically becomes a two night mini-series.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 24, 2023

My wife asked me to help get the house ready for our Christmas party tonight. So I'm mowing the lawn, painting our mailbox and cleaning the garage out.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 10, 2023

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That's not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it's Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 11, 2023

My husband does this thing where he says he has to use the bathroom and then he goes to the bathroom, like right away, without doing 25 other things first, and I find this confusing

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 13, 2023

Get married so you can yell something to your spouse, and they can yell 'What?' ten times from another room, instead of walking 25 feet.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 21, 2023

My husband: I’m gonna go read in bed
Me: Cool I’m gonna do some writing out here for a bit

Ten minutes later

Us: *liking the same IG post from different rooms*

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) December 19, 2023

Therapist: Are you doing anything special for each other during the holidays?

Me: I made him an advent calendar.

Therapist: That was thoughtful of you.

Husband: It was filled with pieces of paper with errands I need to run before Christmas.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 18, 2023