Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 4, 2023

5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.”

Reader, his name is HARVEY.

— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023

Just showed my toddler how to make purple Gatorade by mixing red and blue and he goes “that’s not real purple, though, it’s just mixed up red and blue” so good luck to his Kindergarten teachers.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 2, 2023

My 6 year old got off the bus talking nonstop about washing babies & giving presents to babies to clean them & why moms need clean babies. I was so confused & kept trying to clarify.

Folks, she was misinterpreting a baby shower.

— NurseKelsey (she/her) 🌈✨🎉❤️🏳️‍🌈 (@nursekelsey) May 4, 2023

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 29, 2023

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) May 1, 2023

There's an Instagram mom influencer whose whole thing is her daughter goes to bed late. Like 12am. She is a late-bedtime toddler influencer. Then in the comments, people yell at her that she needs to put her toddler to bed earlier. This is the entire account.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 1, 2023

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) May 3, 2023

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) May 5, 2023

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) May 3, 2023

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) May 2, 2023

My child continues his transition into being a little old man. Just came down stairs to find him perusing his yearbook with the heating pad on his back

— Melissafent on the Hillifent (@awkwardenabled) April 29, 2023

The seven year old: My friends are great, but they like cheer and American Girl dolls, and nobody else likes mermaids and nymphs and ghosts and spells
Me: Yeah, you need just *one* friend who’s more like you
Seven year old: *sighs* I need Wednesday Addams to be real

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) April 29, 2023

I told our kids to wish my husband a happy birthday and my 6yo turned around and shouted "YOU'RE SO OLD!" at him so maybe I should have been more specific

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) April 29, 2023

Hello heartburn my old friend.
Ate too much pizza, once again.

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) April 29, 2023

There’s a time and a place for camping. That time is never and that place is a hotel with indoor plumbing and room service.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 1, 2023

Food blogger:
you’ll love these healthy gluten free vegan peanut butter cookies

People on the internet:
I added eggs, milk, sugar, butter, and subbed chocolate chips for peanut butter whole family loved this recipe

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) May 3, 2023

Welcome to your 50’s. If you don’t wake up with an inexplicable pain somewhere in your body, one will be assigned to you shortly.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) May 3, 2023

My daughter just FaceTimed me on her walk home from the subway and some guy catcalled her on the street and without missing a beat she held up her phone to him and said “wanna talk to my Dad too?”

— Jeff Melnick (@melnickjeffrey1) April 28, 2023

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 3, 2023