Here’s a little collection of the funniest, most relatable marriage quips I’ve come across lately.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
It's 7:36 am and my wife's on the phone with someone and already asking for a Manager. So I'm gonna go ahead and look busy now
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 2, 2024
#2
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 23, 2024
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
#3
hate when my husband gives me some crazy directions like “i’m in the south west corner” it’s a costco parking lot i have no idea where i even am let alone what you mean by south or west
— amil (@amil) May 11, 2024
#4
My wife's just sitting here eating chips and spicy salsa at 9 pm like she's young or something.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 1, 2024
#5
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 2, 2017
[text from wife at home]
"Pick that up."
#6
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, "Too many. You're wasting them!"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 28, 2017
#7
Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 28, 2017
#8
I hope to one day be as happy as my Dad just was when he used something my mom has been telling him to throw away for the last 36 year.
— Amanda B (@amandajpanda) May 4, 2024
#9
Marriage is telling your spouse you heard about a cool new restaurant on a Monday only for them to repeat to you on a Friday “there’s this cool new restaurant I just heard about”
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) October 13, 2022
#10
dating: Of course I'll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 7, 2024
married: If you're not home by 6, I'll eat your dinner, too.
#11
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 16, 2024
#12
I have a long drive with my husband today, and he doesn't know it yet, but he gets to listen to 31 Taylor Swfit songs in order with commentary from me
— ✨️Paige✨️ (@bejeweledpaige) May 3, 2024
#13
has anyone tried the “Scandinavian sleeping” thing where each partner has their own blanket & no flat sheet? my partner recommended it a while back but I didn’t think it was a good idea. we slept with our own comforters last night & omg this is a game changer 😂
— kels | tortured lawyers department (@kelspluscoffee) May 13, 2024
#14
I went for a run this morning shirtless
— The Wolf of All Streets Skynet (@skynet47397425) May 21, 2024
Wife pulls up and yells “put on a shirt you dirty whore” then speeds off
To the bewilderment of onlookers who came over to comfort me 😂
#15
I was just about to do that.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 5, 2024
-Me anytime my wife empties the dishwasher, folds laundry, vacuums the floors, cleans the kitchen….
#16
I wish I had the false confidence that my husband has when he says “Don’t worry about it. I’ll get up early and do it.”
— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) May 3, 2024
#17
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 11, 2023
#18
My wife puts groceries on the conveyor belt like there may be an award for most organized.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 4, 2024
#19
Me: If you could sleep with —
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ has his memoir on pre-order (@WillieHandler) May 7, 2024
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
#20 Omg this made me laugh out loud…
My husband had a 9am trial and I was scheduled to follow him at 1pm. The judicial assistant called me at noon and said, “Your husband is lasting longer than expected and we need to continue your case.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 22, 2024
So there’s a first time for everything I guess.
