Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

My wife can't remember the password that she changed yesterday, but can remember what I said on June 8, 2014 at 6:47PM.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 21, 2023

I came. I saw the parking situation. I went home.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 19, 2023

My 5yo daughter has announced that she will run for president when she turns 35. Her platform is (1) make arcade claw machines more fair and (2) all girls' pants will have pockets.

— Matthew Kim (@MatthewHKim) January 25, 2023

If you need me I’ll be in my kid’s room looking for cups, silverware, and a 24 piece dinnerware set.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) January 22, 2023

I love how toddlers call themselves out when they're doing something they know they shouldn't be doing. Like I'll ask "what's going on in there?!" and my toddler will be like "NO EATING PAPER!!"

— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) January 24, 2023

A mom came into the library with her kids in a stroller.

As they strolled into the children’s section, her little girl started waving her arms in the air in excitement, singing, “Hello, library! Hello, books! I told you I’d be back!”

💚📚

— Mychal (@mychal3ts) January 27, 2023

These egg prices better not affect the Reese's ones.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 24, 2023

I have to apologize for pretending to be a good father on here. I treated my 7 yo awful today and I'm not proud of it. I should not have asked him to take a shower this morning after his last shower was 5 days ago. I am sorry for my horrible actions.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 24, 2023

Tell me why as a child I would lie about the dumbest things. I once told a math teacher I had an uncle that lived between two timezones and that it would be 1pm on one side of his house and 2 on the other.

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) January 23, 2023

Made it to that age where I can’t remember if I just took the ibuprofen or if I still need to.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 22, 2023

I didn’t have enough cereal for a full bowl, so I mixed Shredded Wheat with Grape Nuts, and it tastes like I’m eating wicker furniture in a sandstorm.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 27, 2023

If you’re thinking about having kids, just know that my kid followed behind me with a cupcake as I vacuumed.

— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) January 23, 2023

A group of teenage boys is called a “needs deodorant”

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 21, 2023

Hard to believe that tomorrow is already January 45th.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 23, 2023

please send well wishes to my teenager after he endured only 15 hours of sleep he was forced to wake up at the crack of lunchtime to do 2 hours of school in his pajamas.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 19, 2023

Half my kids are grounded.

They can't watch screens or go outside to see their friends, so they're in the house being as loud as possible.

The one being punished here is me.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 20, 2023

I gave my toddler a bath bomb that had a surprise animal toy inside and now I’m solely responsible for the location of an extremely important dime-sized plastic lion for eternity.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) January 25, 2023

My son asked what taxes are, so I gave him a bag of m&m's and explained that he has to give some to me and I know how much he has to give me but he has to guess himself and if he's wrong he goes to prison.

— jeFF (@TheFantasyEng) January 23, 2023

We fixed the 7yo’s label maker and I just found this on my desk pic.twitter.com/TudvotrWOj

— Kahnstantine (@KindBounce) January 25, 2023

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car. pic.twitter.com/jfbwzg7gwc

— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) January 27, 2023