20 Funny Tweets to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

Every time I’ve thought “I can’t possibly eat this much pasta,” I’ve been wrong.

— Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ (@UnfilteredMama) May 19, 2020

There's a permanent sign on my front door that says, "BABY FINALLY SLEEPING. DO NOT KNOCK OR RING DOOR BELL". It's been there 11 years.

— FinallyHeSleeps (@FinallyHeSleeps) January 9, 2013

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

— charlie (@chunkbardey) November 23, 2021

By the age of 35 you should have at least two keys that you have no idea what they open

— Kate oh no (@Kateness8) March 11, 2025

wish i didn’t love to complain but unfortunately i’m just really good at it. who am i to deny the world my gift

— charlie (@chunkbardey) September 17, 2022

Parenting is when my son finally fell asleep in the stroller today two blocks from home and I thought "I just need nothing to wake him up before we get back" right as I looked up and saw a marching band walking straight towards us

— Abam (@AdamBroud) October 28, 2018

My 4yo is irate that she’s not in our family pictures that were taken in 2012….

She was born in 2016

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 8, 2020

My doctor suggested I stop eating three hours before bed, like the three hours before bed isn’t when I do all my best eating.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) April 8, 2019

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s'il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

— Khoi Dao (@khoidaooo) June 22, 2024

my friend said she can’t hangout this week bc she just gave birth??? you’ve known the baby 1 day and me 12 years but ok

— Redd (@ReddCinema) March 10, 2025

I’m writing a condolence card. Gregory (5) asks what I’m doing. “I’m writing a note to say how sorry I am that my friend’s mom died,” I say.

He pauses for a VERY fraught moment and then asks, oh so tentatively

“…that’s just to be kind, right? You’re not the one who did it?”

— Miriel Thomas Reneau (@mirielmargaret) May 16, 2020

I've worked in an office for three days and it seems 80% of it is badly hiding signed birthday cards from someone that obviously knows its happening

— Heddy Tall (@TheodorHall) September 12, 2018

Chefs on tv are always saying “these are all things you already have in your pantry” and like, sorry, no.

— Claire St. Olafian (@clairebearian) January 17, 2024

She must be a really bad driver to get her own sign. pic.twitter.com/OEnQGgLJnk

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) February 10, 2025

Social media: We’re testing AI

Everybody: We don’t like it

SM: Cool here’s more AI

— Brent Terhune in Royal Oak, MI 9.25-27 (@BrentTerhune) June 19, 2024

kinda sucks that the prize for washing your laundry is getting to fold your laundry

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) March 11, 2025

riding in those self-driving Ubers not because I think they’re safe but because I want to be part of the class action lawsuit in 10 years

— trash jones (@jzux) March 13, 2025

Being an adult means having unrestricted access to shopping on the internet.

Because I 100% needed a Freudian slip #fashion pic.twitter.com/8buMDd3TcI

— Erm Dea (@Em_E_Dee) June 22, 2024

does it cost extra to share it with family https://t.co/AoM1f1yGer

— RK Jackson | Atlanta 🛸 (@theerkj) June 20, 2024