20 Funny Tweets to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

Every time I’ve thought “I can’t possibly eat this much pasta,” I’ve been wrong.

— Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ (@UnfilteredMama) May 19, 2020

There's a permanent sign on my front door that says, "BABY FINALLY SLEEPING. DO NOT KNOCK OR RING DOOR BELL". It's been there 11 years.

— finallyhesleeps.bsky.social (@FinallyHeSleeps) January 9, 2013

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

— charlie (@chunkbardey) November 23, 2021

Arcades are great fun for the whole family, for just $38 you can leave with 3 tootsie rolls, 2 bouncy balls and a migraine.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 31, 2018

wish i didn’t love to complain but unfortunately i’m just really good at it. who am i to deny the world my gift

— charlie (@chunkbardey) September 17, 2022

Parenting is when my son finally fell asleep in the stroller today two blocks from home and I thought "I just need nothing to wake him up before we get back" right as I looked up and saw a marching band walking straight towards us

— Abam (@AdamBroud) October 28, 2018

My 4yo is irate that she’s not in our family pictures that were taken in 2012….

She was born in 2016

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 8, 2020

My doctor suggested I stop eating three hours before bed, like the three hours before bed isn’t when I do all my best eating.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) April 8, 2019

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s'il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

— Khoi Dao (@khoidaooo) June 22, 2024

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I'm not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I'll treat myself.

— Jacqueline (Jac) Rayner (@GirlFromBlupo) April 6, 2018

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 14, 2019

I've worked in an office for three days and it seems 80% of it is badly hiding signed birthday cards from someone that obviously knows its happening

— Heddy Tall (@TheodorHall) September 12, 2018

Chefs on tv are always saying “these are all things you already have in your pantry” and like, sorry, no.

— Claire St. Olafian (@clairebearian) January 17, 2024

She must be a really bad driver to get her own sign. pic.twitter.com/OEnQGgLJnk

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) February 10, 2025

Social media: We’re testing AI

Everybody: We don’t like it

SM: Cool here’s more AI

— Brent Terhune on Bluesky (@BrentTerhune) June 19, 2024

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

— 🌜🤷‍♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷‍♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) January 9, 2024

Midwesterners love to say “we came at the right time” when the line gets really long behind them at a restaurant

— Midwest vs. Everybody (@midwestern_ope) February 9, 2025

Being an adult means having unrestricted access to shopping on the internet.

Because I 100% needed a Freudian slip #fashion pic.twitter.com/8buMDd3TcI

— Erm Dea (@Em_E_Dee) June 22, 2024

does it cost extra to share it with family https://t.co/AoM1f1yGer

— RK Jackson | Atlanta 🛸 (@theerkj) June 20, 2024