Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

I spotted my colleague and whispered to my husband “OMG that’s Sweaty Betty” next minute she comes right up to us and says “hi I’m Betty” and my 8yo says “but my mom said your name is Sweaty”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 23, 2023

5yo: What’s Romeo and Juliet?
Me: Well, it’s a story about two people who fell in love, and…

[2 parents, both English professors, one a Shakespearean, give a long and age-inappropriate synopsis]

5yo: Wow.
Me: Yeah. It’s sad.
5yo: Yeah. I can’t believe they FELL in LAVA!

— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) June 19, 2023

What’s it like having a teenage boy? My son just ate a 50 piece bag of pizza rolls and is asking what’s for dinner

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 18, 2023

5k of my 10k steps a day are from searching for my coffee

— Draggin Father Behind (@DragginFatherB) June 22, 2023

My kids will need to have a family of their own before I let them order off the adult menu.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 21, 2023

“I can’t get up because I’m sitting down.”

-3, explaining why she couldn’t do what I asked her to do, while simultaneously becoming my life coach

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 21, 2023

I was playing doctor with my 2yo and he just repeatedly hit me with a reflex hammer then gave me a shot in the forehead so someone should probably revoke his license

— Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) June 21, 2023

I was emptying my daughter’s backpack on the last day of school and I pulled out an orange with a face drawn on it and she just casually said, “Oh, there’s Bruce,” and took it from me and walked away.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 21, 2023

Me to my kid’s tiny friend: what you drawing there?
him: a story
Me: who’s that girl?
Him: a villain
Me: her glasses look like mine
Him: also her dress and shoes
Me:

— Mad Hatter Mommy!!! (@MadHatterMommy) June 23, 2023

Today is our anniversary. If the schedule works out, my wife and I will have a romantic dinner from the concession stand at our daughter’s softball game.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 16, 2023

My son, 7: “I can’t tell, what song is that?”
Me: “That’s Halo by Beyoncé.”
7: “Who’s Beyoncé?”
Me: “A very famous singer.”
His brother, 10: “Yeah, how do you not know about him?”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) June 22, 2023

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) June 22, 2023

Legend states that if you let a 5yo carry a helium-filled balloon out of the store, there is an 84% chance it won’t make it to the car.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 18, 2023

“Mama. I have bad news. I drank too much water and now I have a tummy ache.”

-my son after eating 4 cookies

— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) June 17, 2023

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 24, 2023

I opened a new box of cereal before finishing the old one.

My wife hasn't noticed yet.

I'm living on borrowed time.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 23, 2023

You should fear nothing more than when a child sneaks into the kitchen for an entire roll of paper towel.

— Amie with an ie (@HeyAmie) June 23, 2023

Ok it starts at 9 so we need to be there by 8:45 which means we need to leave by 8:10 so we need to have breakfast by…and be ready by… which means we need to wake up at….

Shoutout to parents doing that backwards math this weekend

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 24, 2023

I was a nanny & the eldest of a big family before I had kids but nothing adequately prepared me for the demand my toddler would exert upon me to be his personal troubadour. I do not KNOW any songs about dinosaurs on Halloween & making one up WHILST parallel parking is STRESSFUL.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) June 23, 2023

3 was talking about a “farmercycle” this morning. We figured out she was referring to a tractor, but I think we’ll be calling them farmercycles from here on out?

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 23, 2023