Today I’m sharing yet another funny mom I follow on Twitter, Kristen Mulrooney, who I thought you guys would appreciate.
I had a lot of laughs reading her (often hilarious) quips on parenting, and I’ve rounded up my 20 favorites to share with you here.
Enjoy!
Janene
#1
The 5-year-old has been limping around with a leg injury all morning and I would feel bad for her except the injury is “a fox bit her in her dream”
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 5, 2023
#2
Hit the end of my rope on vacation and said we aren't going on another vacation until the kids are 18, and instead of that statement having any emotional impact, the kids are excitedly talking about how they're going to bring their husbands and wives and children.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 21, 2024
#3
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 30, 2024
#4
Me and my son are the only ones home tonight and he talked to me for 2 straight hours until I said "Hey bud I just need a half an hour to do a little bit of work," and he said sympathetically "I bet," then continued talking to me for another 2 hours.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 19, 2024
#5
2-year-old wandered away with an apple and came back empty handed. I said “Where’s your apple? Apple cores go in the trash,” and she looked at me funny and said “No, I always put my apple cores underneath.” UNDERNEATH WHAT?? I AM ALARMED.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 17, 2022
#6
My 4-year-old told me a boy in her class hit her so I asked how she handled that and she said “I told him ‘you need to get it together, Neil.’” A conflict resolution queen.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) November 19, 2023
#7
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 19, 2024
#8
Four-year-old had one last quick question before bed, the question was "How does the human body work?"
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) January 28, 2022
#9
My 3-year-old's favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef's hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, "We don't have that."
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 6, 2023
#10
3yo, playing with her dolls: Mommy, I love you!
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 9, 2023
Me: Aw I love you too.
3yo: Oh. That was actually my baby talking to me.
Me: Oh.
3yo: Nobody said that to you.
Me: Right.
Me: Sorry.
#11
My 3yo came home from school mad that one of the boys poked her in the eye. I asked if she talked to her teacher about it and she said yes, but the teacher didn’t have a chance to address it because then the boy fell out of his chair and broke both his arms. Unsure if lies.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 5, 2023
#12
Parenting is ok except for every once in a while when my 3-year-old requests “Ham Hands” for lunch, which is when she takes two handfuls of ham and eats it in the living room while she watches tv.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 11, 2023
#13
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 12, 2023
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
#14
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 16, 2023
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
#15
Don’t have kids if you’re not a morning person. At 7:45am I had to break up a fight because my daughter made a human out of clothes and her brother ran in and attacked it and she kept screaming “HE RUINED MY HUMAN OF CLOTHES” and it was so early.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 4, 2023
#16
Biggest argument of the day so far was when the 3-year-old gathered all the cheeses from the refrigerator and I had to wrestle them away from her while she screamed “IT’S FOR MY OBSTACLE COURSE”
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 3, 2023
#17
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said "nothing," then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 14, 2023
#18 Omg I do the same thing!! My family is famously the worst at singing Happy Birthday LOL.
My biggest contribution to society is that at bday parties I always sing Happy Birthday at a quick, upbeat tempo and I do it very loudly so everyone speeds up to match me, and I save the party from having to listen to the usual funeral dirge rendition of the song.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) December 6, 2023
#19
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 7, 2023
#20
My 3-year-old was BEGGING me to buy her something at the store, and I usually don’t give in, but I did this time because it was only 99 cents and it was this bunch of scallions pic.twitter.com/KSZjAxN24i
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 25, 2023
Kristen Mulrooney is an editor at The Belladonna Comedy. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram for more!
