Top 20 Best Tweets by Funny Mom Kristen Mulrooney

The 5-year-old has been limping around with a leg injury all morning and I would feel bad for her except the injury is “a fox bit her in her dream”

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 5, 2023

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 7, 2023

Really though, why does a restaurant salad taste better than a salad I make at home? How are they doing “bowl of lettuce” better than me?

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 26, 2023

My 3yo came home from school mad that one of the boys poked her in the eye. I asked if she talked to her teacher about it and she said yes, but the teacher didn’t have a chance to address it because then the boy fell out of his chair and broke both his arms. Unsure if lies.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 5, 2023

2-year-old wandered away with an apple and came back empty handed. I said “Where’s your apple? Apple cores go in the trash,” and she looked at me funny and said “No, I always put my apple cores underneath.” UNDERNEATH WHAT?? I AM ALARMED.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 17, 2022

Parenting is ok except for every once in a while when my 3-year-old requests “Ham Hands” for lunch, which is when she takes two handfuls of ham and eats it in the living room while she watches tv.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 11, 2023

Four-year-old had one last quick question before bed, the question was "How does the human body work?"

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) January 28, 2022

My 3-year-old's favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef's hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, "We don't have that."

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 6, 2023

3yo, playing with her dolls: Mommy, I love you!

Me: Aw I love you too.

3yo: Oh. That was actually my baby talking to me.

Me: Oh.

3yo: Nobody said that to you.

Me: Right.

Me: Sorry.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 9, 2023

The best thing about 3-year-old's is the way they do what they can with the words that they know. My daughter doesn't know the word "cough drop" so she is requesting medicine beans.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) December 17, 2022

Every morning this week she has taken the eggs out of the fridge and every morning I tell her she can’t play with the eggs and every morning she says “I’m just WATCHING THEM” pic.twitter.com/Da0mEnZF5Z

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 3, 2023

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 18, 2023

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 12, 2023

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 16, 2023

Don’t have kids if you’re not a morning person. At 7:45am I had to break up a fight because my daughter made a human out of clothes and her brother ran in and attacked it and she kept screaming “HE RUINED MY HUMAN OF CLOTHES” and it was so early.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 4, 2023

Biggest argument of the day so far was when the 3-year-old gathered all the cheeses from the refrigerator and I had to wrestle them away from her while she screamed “IT’S FOR MY OBSTACLE COURSE”

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 3, 2023

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said "nothing," then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 14, 2023

My biggest contribution to society is that at bday parties I always sing Happy Birthday at a quick, upbeat tempo and I do it very loudly so everyone speeds up to match me, and I save the party from having to listen to the usual funeral dirge rendition of the song.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) December 6, 2023

My 4-year-old told me a boy in her class hit her so I asked how she handled that and she said “I told him ‘you need to get it together, Neil.’” A conflict resolution queen.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) November 19, 2023

My 3-year-old was BEGGING me to buy her something at the store, and I usually don’t give in, but I did this time because it was only 99 cents and it was this bunch of scallions pic.twitter.com/KSZjAxN24i

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 25, 2023