20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

good news i finally found my phone that ive been using as a flashlight to find my phone for the past 10 minutes

— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) December 19, 2023

one time, i asked my parents why they picked my mom's younger sister in their will if anything were to happen.

my mom paused and said, "because aunt susan's pantry is the exact same ours. you could open it, and the cheerios would be exactly where they were supposed to be."

— emily (@emilykmay) December 17, 2023

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 18, 2023

i am 32 years old and still use my parent's landline phone number at my local grocery store to get the member's rewards.

— emily (@emilykmay) December 16, 2023

Give her what she really wants for Christmas, a broody seaside cottage with a porch, secret library, rolling ladders and a crackling fireplace.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) December 16, 2023

people who are good hosts blow my mind. like…………you just had a tiny dish and you knew to put m&ms in it? u knew i would find that charming ???

— chase (@_chase_____) December 17, 2023

ice cream trucks are great but in the winter we need a SOUP TRUCK. do they even understand how much money I’d spend if there was a truck rolling through my neighborhood every day doling out piping hot soup

— trash jones (@jzux) December 18, 2023

I like being an adult but tbh my one gripe is the Dishes. oh, the dishes. I am always doing dishes. when this world ends and our sun is nothing but a shriveled, dead star, when the mountains crumble to dust and the oceans dry, there I will stand. doing the dishes.

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) December 18, 2023

To those of you who save gift bags and tissue paper all year long, this is our time to shine!

— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) December 21, 2023

The people who get their Christmas shopping done early never get to experience the look on someone’s face when they open your gift of a Walgreens brand blood pressure monitor.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 20, 2023

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $10 spatula.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 18, 2023

Please check on your friends who are over 40 and still sit on the floor to wrap their gifts. We are not okay.

— glizzy borden (@_glizzyborden_) December 21, 2023

If you had asked me 20 years ago what fictional character I would relate most to as an adult I would never have guessed it’d be the grinch

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) December 19, 2023

Therapist: Are you doing anything special for each other during the holidays?

Me: I made him an advent calendar.

Therapist: That was thoughtful of you.

Husband: It was filled with pieces of paper with errands I need to run before Christmas.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 18, 2023

I will keep fighting for women’s rights until Mrs. Claus gets a first name.

— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) December 18, 2023

i’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm

— nika (@nikalamity) December 20, 2023

I love that my health insurance sends me at least one piece of physical mail a month that’s just like “Hello! You have insurance 🙂 thank you for going paperless!”

— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) December 18, 2023

one minute you’re young and the next minute you’re googling “daily stretching routine for beginners”

— trash jones (@jzux) December 18, 2023

Every year yall say “what did Kevin’s dad do to afford that house”
Um what about his mom? Am I to think a woman with this many pantsuits is a homemaker pic.twitter.com/1FoqVqz3il

— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) December 21, 2023

I’m gonna blow em away this year with my ashtray appetizer. pic.twitter.com/AdQ9GHY8jq

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) December 21, 2023