Kids: tiny comedians with zero filter and impeccable timing. Sometimes the hardest part of parenting is keeping a straight face when you need to.
Here are the best kid quips I came across in 2024 – prepare to laugh!
Thanks for being here, and I hope you’ll stick around for more laughs in 2025.
Janene
#1
Me: *parks the car*
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) February 22, 2024
My kid: *gets out, surveys the scene, sighs heavily*
Me: You are SEVEN.
Him: Yes, but when I learn to drive I will park much better than this.
#2
Nobody:
— 𝙳𝚊 𝙸𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝙽𝚘𝚗𝚗𝚊 🧡 (@TrudiiBee) February 9, 2024
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
#3
My 5yo: AT SCHOOL IF YOU BE NAUGHTY YOU HAVE TO SIT IN A CHAIR AND I AM NOT NAUGHTY BUT I WANTED TO SIT IN THE CHAIR SO I BE CRAZY AND THE TEACHER TOLD ME TO SIT IN THE CHAIR
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) February 14, 2024
Me:
5yo: WASN’T EVEN FUN IN THE CHAIR. GUESS I’M DONE WITH THE CRAZY
#4
There's an ambulance outside as we walk into a store, and when my husband says that someone must be sick or hurt, my 7yo loudly proclaims, "BUT WHY would they 𝙗𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 them to Walmart?!"
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) February 20, 2024
#5
My 6-year-old is very set on writing and drawing his own comic books, but he says his problem right now is that he “can’t really read and write yet” AND he doesn’t “own a good stapler.”
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) January 9, 2024
#6
My 3.5-year old, eating his porridge, glances out the window at my car and comments absently, "I see you still have your winter tires on."
— Deonandan (@deonandan) March 20, 2024
I swear, I'm raising my own father.
#7
5yo: DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU A GIRL BIRD OR A BOY BIRD?
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) March 19, 2024
Me: Um… a girl bird?
5yo: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GIRL BIRDS AND BOY BIRDS IS–
Me: Hey, babe, we're in the church office, so maybe be a little quieter about–
5yo: GIRLS HAVE EYELASHES
#8
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
— Tom Hamilton (@thhamilton) February 2, 2024
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
#9
I told my 4yo I needed a break today and went to my room. He comes in about 5 mins later and says, "Are you still on your break?" And I tell him yes.
— Melissa Ruth Rotert–THE RETURN OF RITTER out now! (@OnPunsnNeedles) May 16, 2024
Then he says, "Oh, good. I'm on my break too. We can be on break together. I've had enough of Daddy today."
#10
5yo: IS THIS AN OLD NUMBER?
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) March 20, 2024
Me: I mean, all numbers are kind of the same age, babe.
5yo: BUT IS IT OLD?
Me: Sort of? I guess?
5yo: MY TEACHER SAID THERE ARE OLD NUMBERS AND EVEN NUMBERS SO WHICH IS IT
#11
honestly obsessed w the high drama of toddlers. my 2 year old fell & bumped her knee and she looked up at me like an ailing Victorian child & said “will I ever walk again??????????”
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 9, 2024
#12
I had a tea party with my 6yo, and told her the pastries were delicious. She said her husband made them. She talked about her 3 kids and how hard it is to be a doctor. I asked how she's able to host tea parties with all that going on. She said she has a supportive husband.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 21, 2024
#13
I suggested to my wife that it seemed pointless to continually fill the bird feeder, as the squirrels always empty it in hours. Behind me, my son said, “It’s in your interest for the squirrels to be on your side when the Great War begins,” and ate another spoonful of Froot Loops.
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) May 2, 2024
#14
Six-year-old: “Dad, do you have $100?”
— Austen Allred (@Austen) May 13, 2024
Me: “…Yes.”
Six-year-old: “That means between your $100 and my $4 we can buy a water slide!”
#15
Our fave ice cream shop got robbed and my 9yo started bawling. I couldn’t understand why until she said “SOMEONE STOLE ALL THE ICE CREAM?!”
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) April 18, 2024
#16
My kids saw mail I received that was addressed to me as “Mr.” and then my 9yo asked “Why do you have a mister in front of your name? I didn’t know you were an important person.”
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 15, 2024
#17
my 7 year old came home from school and told me she learned online safety including not to click links that people you don’t know send you
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 3, 2024
because you might end up with a fungus
#18
“I don’t want the orange juice with the fruit meat”. – my 6yo referring to pulp as fruit meat
— Princess | Mindfulness | Conscious Parenting (@themultiplemom) January 1, 2024
#19
Me to my 8yo: The paper says you have to “dress to impress” for your award ceremony.
— Princess | Mindfulness | Conscious Parenting (@themultiplemom) June 6, 2024
Him: the work wasn’t enough? Why I gotta wear church shoes.
Me: 😂😭😂😭😂💀💀💀💀
#20
6yo: Do adults cry?
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) January 9, 2024
Me: They do.
6yo: You probably cry when you go to work.
#21
*sees dead bird in a road*
— aishamadeit.bsky.social (@aishamadeit) May 21, 2024
toddler: what happened to that bird?
me: oh.. it, it died
toddler: oh…. that happened to some dinosaurs I know
#22
my 4yo waved at a man with a face and neck full of tattoos
— Dr. Caitlin Baird (@bairdlet) September 15, 2024
he waved back
4yo [yelling]: MOM THAT MAN IS SO *FANCY* HI FANCY MAN YOU’RE FANCY
#23
I asked my 8yo if he liked my sleeveless blouse, he said "the color's fine, but I don't like public armpits" 😭 Public. Armpits. It's going straight to Goodwill
— sarah (@sarahradz_) May 13, 2024
#24
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) January 31, 2024
#25
Attempting to play football in the park with my kids when a random boy shouts out “your mum isn’t very good at football”…
— Neena Jha (@DrNeenaJha) May 12, 2024
My kids responses?
Kid 1: She’s trying her best & she’s never had a football lesson in her life!
Kid 2: (loudly) And she’s on her period!!
😳
#26
my three year old asked me to ‘pretend she was 14’ for a minute so i said okay… you’re 14. so what’s your favourite thing to do as a 14 year old? and she replied ‘big girl things… like chopping onions’
— Cardi BTEC (@amelia_perrin) October 26, 2024
#27
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) September 26, 2024
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that's not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
#28
*4yr old watching beauty and the beast*
— Mandalynns23 (@mandalynns23) October 17, 2024
“Does the princess marry the bison?”
THE BISON 🦬😂
#29
I told my 4 year old it’s too cold for shorts and she said, “Why are you making me mad when I want to be happy?” 😂😂😂😂
— wiz fajita (@trillary_banks_) October 28, 2024
#30
Right before she fell asleep, my 3 year old said “tomorrow I’m going to practice my new scream in the living room”
— neature vs norture (@chionogirl) October 7, 2024
#31
We told my 4yr old I was pregnant and she was NOT happy about it. After she cried in her bed she came downstairs hands on hips and asked in the most accusatory tone “And where exactly is this new baby gonna sleep?” like we were two teens who hadn’t thought this pregnancy through
— Mandalynns23 (@mandalynns23) October 10, 2024
