20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

the fact that i procrastinate and still get the job done is the reason i still procrastinate

— purple (@prplexi) June 25, 2023

I’m trying to re-home a small poodle that barks a LOT. If interested DM me and I'II jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

— 𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖_𝔻𝕚𝕧𝕚𝕟𝕖 (@SundaeDivine) June 26, 2023

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) June 27, 2023

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) June 27, 2023

I just told my husband in a VERY DISTRESSED tone that I stepped on a slug on my way back inside and I was barefoot and traumatized and he said to me

“RODRIGO??? DID YOU STEP ON RODRIGO?”

— emily (@emilykmay) June 26, 2023

I like to think I’m still young and hip but the squeal of excitement I let out when the new vacuum arrived suggests otherwise

— Nicki 💗 (@AwkwardAndOdd) June 25, 2023

One of the weirdest things about making friends as an adult is when you don’t even know what grade someone is in.

— emily (@emilykmay) June 29, 2023

[me when a person dies in a movie] oh man bummer
[me when a dog dies in a movie]: dear diary, i have seen hell with my own eyes

— kenzi (@kenzianidiot) June 27, 2023

Dear New York Times,

I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, that I did not need a breaking news alert that Ryan Seacrest has been named the new host of "Wheel of Fortune."

— Charlotte Clymer 🇺🇦 (@cmclymer) June 27, 2023

if i’m going to have to parallel park at an event i will not be in attendance.

— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) June 27, 2023

ok but seriously and truly. there is no love like the love between a dad and the dog he said he didn’t want. mom and I had to drag him to look at a litter Tuesday. as in 2(two) days ago. today he goes “well he’s a water dog, might look at putting in a pool in for him.” SIR???

— ditch pony (@molly7anne) June 29, 2023

Parents like to talk about how their kids won’t need them when they’re older but I had a raccoon in my garbage bin and immediately called my mom.

— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) June 25, 2023

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) June 26, 2023

I was so excited this morning to see I finally have a red tomato on my plants and then Jon called it “Bob” and now I feel bad about my plans of eating him with balsamic vinegar buffalo mozzarella and fresh basil.

— Dr. Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) June 27, 2023

What’s your favorite thing about camping & why is it staying at a hotel with air conditioning?

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 28, 2023

14 years ago on this website someone described a salad as a “treasure hunt for cheese” and I have never since eaten a salad without thinking about that

— kep (@keplyq) June 27, 2023

last night i went out to dinner w a bunch of friends and the waitress asked if anyone at the table had any allergies and my friend very seriously said “oh yes, cats”

— kim (@KimmyMonte) June 24, 2023

I just ran into an old acquaintance on the subway platform and after we said hello she goes “okay good to see you—I’m going to go over there because I want to listen to my podcast” and I have never respected or admired anyone more.

— Liv Stratman (@livrstrat) June 27, 2023

I’m actually really fun and outgoing when I’ve had nine hours of sleep, four meals, two snacks, tea, and am not required to wear real pants or have more than five minutes of social interaction.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 1, 2023

Behold. I, an urban gardner, after 3 years of careful cultivation, ~$2 thousand of inputs and a year of ideal weather (cool and wet) have produced a bowl of blueberries; each as precious and beautiful as a sapphire. You can also buy similar berries at your local Costco for $6.97. pic.twitter.com/5sFP53H1Mc

— Bella Chu (@bellachu10) June 23, 2023