20 of the Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Introduced my son to ska and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. There’s no chance this boy is getting anyone pregnant before he’s at least 30.

— octopus/caveman (@octopuscaveman) October 30, 2023

My kid spent the night at his grandparents last night and I just found out he had his grandmother frying chicken for him at 2 o’clock in the morning😒

— A Girl Has No Name (@Nyx_19) October 28, 2023

My 5yo wants to know why the neighbors still have their Halloween decorations up, and I didn’t know he was on the HOA board

— meghan (@deloisivete) November 2, 2023

Obsessed with the stage where preschoolers can talk really well but haven’t figured out what words are commonly used in conversation by kids, right now my 3yo keeps using “certainly” in every sentence like “I certainly do love gummy bears”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 31, 2023

The hardest thing about carving a pumpkin these days is finding a newspaper to spread out on the table.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 29, 2023

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 30, 2023

Making friends in your 30s is the hardest. Makes me envious of my 4-year-old who can make a best friend at a playground for two hours, just calling him “FRIEND” the entire time without ever learning a name or profession.

— The Dad (@thedad) October 29, 2023

Stages of getting kids ready to leave:

1. We are leaving in 15 minutes.
2. We are leaving in 5 minutes.
3. We are leaving in 1 minute.
4. Where are your pants?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 1, 2023

A story about second children: The baby was eating Goldfish. My husband thought I was handing the baby Goldfish, I thought he was handing the baby Goldfish, turns out the baby was just eating Goldfish she found in the couch.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 2, 2023

My teen is using chopsticks to eat Cheetos so she doesn’t get Cheeto dust on her fingers and can we just fast track her application to Yale now?

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 28, 2023

Pretty jealous of the schedule my 7YO made for himself pic.twitter.com/oOqnKisBbm

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) November 3, 2023

Gathered all the pens and markers in the house and asked my kid to test them and toss the ones that don’t work. Two hours later, she’s written her name about 300 times and still quietly working. Am I genius?

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 30, 2023

I was enjoying how quiet my home was until I found my 2yo covered in chocolate and looking extremely pleased with herself

— Mom With No Plan (@MomWithNoPlan) November 2, 2023

“It goes without saying-” let me stop you right there. Nothing goes without saying when you have kids. I just had to tell my 4-year-old that putting jello in his shoes would ruin them, for a SECOND time.

— The Dad (@thedad) October 30, 2023

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) November 1, 2023

Hardest part of telling my kids they couldn't have candy for breakfast was making sure they didn’t notice the Skittles in my mouth.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 2, 2023

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) November 3, 2023

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) November 2, 2023

i'm gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don't need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 30, 2023

My son just let his girlfriend “borrow” his hoodie, should I tell him.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) November 3, 2023