Top 20 Funniest Tweets on Marriage and Parenting From “Average Dad”

Sometimes I marvel at how some random banana in another continent gets picked, put on a boat to California, then put on a truck, driven across the country to my little town, selected by me out of hundreds of other bananas, just to be spit out and thrown on the floor by my toddler

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) December 12, 2021

My pregnant wife asked for an Oreo so I brought her a single Oreo. Apparently this was a gross miscalculation on my part

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) May 16, 2022

Reasons my toddler cried today:
– I didn’t let her wear two pairs of pajamas
– I brought her some more chicken after she asked for more chicken
– My face wasn’t purple

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 7, 2021

What did people do before alarm clocks? Just go to bed like “hope I wake up in time for work tomorrow”

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) October 16, 2020

[At a restaurant]

Alright kids, what combination of starch and cheese are you gonna have this time

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) June 10, 2024

My wife deleted social media off her phone recently. Today I caught her scrolling through her venmo feed like an alcoholic drinking listerine.

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) June 15, 2024

“Your daughter has been training the other children to cry on demand, seemingly in order to disrupt the class” is among the many things that parenting books have not prepared me for

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) June 11, 2024

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) February 27, 2024

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 21, 2020

Dads love saying “look at the line now, good thing we came when we did”

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) September 20, 2020

When your kid hits about age 3 or 4, be prepared for your bandaid budget to absolutely skyrocket

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) June 2, 2024

I bet camping was invented by two guys who wanted to have a sleepover but were afraid their wives would make fun of them

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) May 25, 2020

My 5yo was trying to convince me to do something and said “if you don’t do it I’m gonna go to my room and go to sleep!” Not the threat she thought it was

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) July 2, 2024

Me: your dress is so cool, it has pockets!

3yo: oh… I can put snacks in them!

This kid gets it

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 3, 2022

We taught our toddler to smell the flowers instead of touching them, but now she also smells vases, lamps, and other fragile items around the house instead of touching them. Honestly one of our better moves as parents so far.

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) August 6, 2021

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) October 15, 2021

Half of parenting is just moving cups away from the edge of the table

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) September 5, 2021

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 1, 2020

“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?”

– my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 29, 2021

Dads hate stopping on road trips because then all of the vehicles they worked hard to pass for the last hour get back ahead of them

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) October 10, 2020