16 Funny and Honest Tweets on Parenting from Simon Holland

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 19, 2022

I hope my friends don’t find out I own a jacket.

-Middle Schoolers

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 19, 2019

I didn’t realize having a wife and daughters would involve owning this many blankets.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 20, 2022

Every single parent in the history of kid’s birthday parties who was offered a slice of pizza and declined really wanted that pizza.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 5, 2021

Ok it starts at 9 so we need to be there by 8:45 which means we need to leave by 8:10 so we need to have breakfast by…and be ready by… which means we need to wake up at….

Shoutout to parents doing that backwards math this weekend

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 12, 2021

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 10, 2022

My wife is mad because she got an 89 on my daughter’s science quiz.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 28, 2020

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a lazy Saturday morning we can panic because a sports uniform didn’t get put in the dryer.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 5, 2022

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 26, 2021

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 17, 2022

Got to my daughter’s elementary school an hour early so I could be 12th in line for pickup.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 30, 2021

Kids really overestimate how much parents want to guess things.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 17, 2020

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 6, 2021

Today is our anniversary. If the schedule works out, my wife and I will have a romantic dinner from the concession stand at our daughter’s softball game.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 16, 2022

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 2, 2021

The best cup of coffee is when you’re a parent on the weekend and you are the first one awake, the house is dark and quiet and it’s starting to rain. That is THE CUP OF COFFEE.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 6, 2021