25 Spot-On Tweets From Funny Dad Simon Holland

Simon Holland is hands-down one of the funniest guys on the Internet. His quips about marriage, parenting, and middle age are always spot-on and super relatable.

I’ve rounded up his most viral tweets on parenting, some new, some old, but all of them funny.

Hope these bring you some laughs!

Janene

#1 It’s funny because it’s true!

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 7, 2024

#2 Seriously…

I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 8, 2017

#3 Yup! The more bells and whistles they put on appliances, the faster they seem to break…

Our parent’s washing machine: 30 years old, zero issues, works like the day they bought it.

Our washing machine: 3rd one in 5 years, breaks every 6 months, have to leave the door open because it stinks but came in a pretty color.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 6, 2021

#4 Been there, done that…

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was drugs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 30, 2022

#5 Right?? Why is there toothpaste everywhere??

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 6, 2022

#6 YES!!! A big pet peeve of mine…just GOOOOO!

I love kindness unless it’s a person at a four way stop waving for me to go when it is clearly their turn.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 17, 2020

#7 Jackets are so embarrassing…

I hope my friends don’t find out I own a jacket.

-Middle Schoolers
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 19, 2019

#8 My husband did not realize this either LOL…

I didn’t realize having a wife and daughters would involve owning this many blankets.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 20, 2022

#9 It’s me. I’m that parent!

Every single parent in the history of kid’s birthday parties who was offered a slice of pizza and declined really wanted that pizza.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 5, 2021

#10 This is the only math I’m good at…

Ok it starts at 9 so we need to be there by 8:45 which means we need to leave by 8:10 so we need to have breakfast by…and be ready by… which means we need to wake up at….

Shoutout to parents doing that backwards math this weekend
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 12, 2021

#11 He’s not wrong!

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20% and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2022

#12 Exactly!

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 10, 2022

#13 Relatable…

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 11, 2022

#14 Fun times…

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a lazy Saturday morning we can panic because a sports uniform didn’t get put in the dryer.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 5, 2022

#15 Mom’s car would have tissues, napkins, wipes, and a snack!

“I like mommy’s car better”

-My daughter in the backseat of my truck wiping her nose with a Home Depot receipt.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 17, 2021

#16 Right?? So true…

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 26, 2021

#17 LOL!

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 1, 2021

#18 So accurate…

Got to my daughter’s elementary school an hour early so I could be 12th in line for pickup.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 30, 2021

#19 Right?? Also, they also overestimate how much we want to “Watch this!”

Kids really overestimate how much parents want to guess things.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 17, 2020

#20 Oh, the joy of raising boys…

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 19, 2022

#21 Kids are always my favorite people to converse with…

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 8, 2021

#22 Ha ha, I finally broke down and bought some, and I have to say, I love them!

We have now been a cereal in clear containers family for over a month and it really does feel nice to be better than everyone.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 29, 2022

#23 It’s funny because it’s true…

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 2, 2021

#24 I don’t drink coffee but give me dark, quiet, and rainy please…

The best cup of coffee is when you’re a parent on the weekend and you are the first one awake, the house is dark and quiet and it’s starting to rain. That is THE CUP OF COFFEE.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 6, 2021

#25 Agreed, LOL!

I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 19, 2016