Top 20 Best Tweets on Marriage and Parenting from the Funny “Mommy Owl”

It’s kind of weird how everyone in the family randomly picks where they sit around the table and then proceeds to sit in those exact spots for every meal for the rest of their lives.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) January 22, 2020

Behind every photo taken at home is a mom pushing random crap out of the way so her house appears clean.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) January 28, 2019

A woman in the elevator just complimented me on my hair and then I complimented her on her shoes. My 5-year-old whispers, “Why are you saying nice things to each other?” The woman turns to her and says, “Because we’re women and it’s our job to hold each other up.”

Damn straight.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) March 13, 2019

I would just like to thank the person who told my daughter that when she lies her eyes turn a different color. Now she squeezes her eyes shut every time she lies… and my job just became a whole lot easier.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) May 30, 2020

My daughter said she’s not mad at me but she just hugged my husband and said he’s the best parent she’s ever had w/o breaking eye contact with me. Have kids they said.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) April 11, 2023

Before getting married, you should be required to go on a road trip. If your relationship can survive 10 or more hours of your partner panic gasping every time you speed up and change lanes, you’re meant to be.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) March 9, 2020

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) November 12, 2018

25 years ago, a girl in my class called me a bit*h and made me cry. I just told my mom I made plans to have lunch with this person and she says, “Oh, you’re hanging out with HER? I never liked her. DON’T tell her I say hi.”

No one holds a grudge better than a mom.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) April 27, 2019

I had to cough but my kids were sleeping so I literally just choked on my own saliva because apparently I choose dying over accidentally waking them up.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) February 10, 2019

My husband went to the grocery store this morning which was super helpful so now I’m headed to the grocery store to get all the things we need.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) April 16, 2021

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) August 5, 2019

My daughter yells out, “Daddy, I clogged the toilet. I need a boy’s help!” My husband walks over with the plunger, hands it to her, and says, “Let’s teach you not to need anybody’s help.”

Damn straight.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) August 3, 2019

My daughter just put herself in timeout in her room because she was “done hearing other people’s voice noise.”

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) July 24, 2018

Husbands be like, “Where’s that thing I left out for 45 days that you finally put away exactly where it goes? Why are you always moving my stuff?!”

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) October 22, 2020

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) October 22, 2019

My kids are the reason I breathe; they’re also the reason I swear, cry, yell, and eat waaay more carbs than I probably should.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) February 3, 2023

5: Mommy, why do girls wear bras?

Me: To support their boobies.

5: No, they’re trapping their boobies. They’re booby traps. *cracks herself up*

I’m raising a comedian.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) June 12, 2019

Spent ten minutes scrubbing the wall thinking my kids left a huge stain on it and then realized it was my own shadow. I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) January 14, 2021

Hot tip: if your kid comes home in a terrible mood and seems to hate everything in the universe, FEED THEM. Nothing they say can or should be used against them until they’ve had at least 3 snacks.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) January 26, 2022

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) April 15, 2020