Just 20 funny posts to add some laughs to your weekend!
Janene
#1 And just FYI, her dog was fine…
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
— Caitlin Canahai (@caitlincanahey) June 21, 2024
#2
Them: My goal is to finish two marathons this summer.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 1, 2018
Me: My goal is to put away the laundry the same day that I wash it.
#3
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, "don't worry, dad, I'm just grabbing a hammer." I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he's going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 31, 2021
#4
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 24, 2018
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
#5
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
— Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins (@citizenkawala) August 23, 2024
#6
Stop sending me “you’ve left something in your cart” emails if there isn’t a discount code attached
— Camaro (@__camaro_) August 26, 2024
#7
Good news: My son cleaned his room
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 9, 2020
Bad news: He found his harmonica
#8
Adding “don’t lick the TV” to the list of sentences I never thought I’d say.
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) January 7, 2023
#9
My mom gave my kid $2 and he immediately taped the bills to the wall like some kind of small business owner
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 27, 2023
#10
"This vehicle will seat six people without any problems."
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) March 30, 2024
"I don't think I know six people without any problems."
#11
Cop: you're going to prison for forgery
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 17, 2020
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
#12
I get that it’s easier to just text me when my table is ready, but when that coaster used to light up red and start to vibrate, man what a thrill.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 8, 2023
#13
"I don't get why you set so many alarms"
— Janel Comeau 🍁 (@VeryBadLlama) March 23, 2024
congrats on being able to rocket back to existence every morning but some of us have to be gradually raised from the depths like the remains of an ancient shipwreck being brought to the surface
#14
My wife has been shopping with our 14-yr old for the last five hours so I made three gallons of sangria for her when she gets home.
— The Real Rodney Lacroix (@RealRodLacroix) January 15, 2023
#15
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
— 𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 (@MoMohler) May 15, 2024
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
#16
6-year-old: Do dragons fart fire?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2019
Me: I don't know.
6: I thought you went to college.
#17
I didn’t have enough cereal for a full bowl, so I mixed Shredded Wheat with Grape Nuts, and it tastes like I’m eating wicker furniture in a sandstorm.
— The Real Rodney Lacroix (@RealRodLacroix) January 27, 2023
#18
True story: Harvard Business School rejected me in '91. When I got the news, I checked to see if they'd cashed my $100 application fee check. They hadn't, so I did a "stop payment". When they called, trying to collect, I suggested they could learn a business lesson from this. 😂
— John McCrea (@johnmccrea) June 30, 2023
#19
I told a teenager today I used to get 10 CDs for a penny in the mail, and I'm not sure if she thinks I'm lying about what a CD was, what a penny is, or what the mail is or all three.
— Eric Alper 🎧 (@ThatEricAlper) November 21, 2024
#20
My freshman year roommate sat me down Day 1 and was like “Heads up: I’ll be bringing lots of girls and maybe even some guys to the dorm this year so, if that scares you, grow up cuz this ain’t high school!”
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) July 9, 2020
Anyway, he brought one girl back the whole year and now they’re married.
#21
I toasted four hamburger buns on the grill, brought them in, put them on the counter, and now there's only half of one bun left. I cannot figure out, for the life of me, where it went. pic.twitter.com/BDNloyH1dE
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 4, 2025
