Just 20 funny quips to add some laughs to your weekend!
Janene
#1 And just FYI, her dog was fine…
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
— Caitlin Canahai (@caitlincanahey) June 21, 2024
#2
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 24, 2018
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
#3
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, "don't worry, dad, I'm just grabbing a hammer." I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he's going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 31, 2021
#4
Them: My goal is to finish two marathons this summer.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 1, 2018
Me: My goal is to put away the laundry the same day that I wash it.
#5
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) August 23, 2024
#6
Stop sending me “you’ve left something in your cart” emails if there isn’t a discount code attached
— ca-maro.bsky.social (@__camaro_) August 26, 2024
#7
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
— Dan Duvall (@DanDuvallComedy) July 17, 2018
#8
Adding “don’t lick the TV” to the list of sentences I never thought I’d say.
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) January 7, 2023
#9
I like to think I’m good with money but I found $20 in my pocket and immediately bought something that was $56.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 31, 2022
#10
My mom gave my kid $2 and he immediately taped the bills to the wall like some kind of small business owner
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 27, 2023
#11
My workout schedule:
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) April 25, 2013
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
#12
Cop: you're going to prison for forgery
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 17, 2020
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
#13
I get that it’s easier to just text me when my table is ready, but when that coaster used to light up red and start to vibrate, man what a thrill.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 8, 2023
#14
"I don't get why you set so many alarms"
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) March 23, 2024
congrats on being able to rocket back to existence every morning but some of us have to be gradually raised from the depths like the remains of an ancient shipwreck being brought to the surface
#15
My wife has been shopping with our 14-yr old for the last five hours so I made three gallons of sangria for her when she gets home.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 15, 2023
#16
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
— 𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 (@MoMohler) May 15, 2024
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
#17
I recently saw someone ask what the most surprising hidden expense in raising children is and I also saw the real and only answer: fruit. Every child is born with a fruit that will be the only thing they’ll want to eat and as a parent you need to pray it’s not ra$pberrie$
— Jamie Kenney (@LaComtesseJamie) March 16, 2024
#18
I didn’t have enough cereal for a full bowl, so I mixed Shredded Wheat with Grape Nuts, and it tastes like I’m eating wicker furniture in a sandstorm.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 27, 2023
#19
My son told me I’m a mean mommy and I have to shop at the mean mommy store. Do you think it’s Target? I hope it’s Target.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) September 21, 2021
#20
I told a teenager today I used to get 10 CDs for a penny in the mail, and I'm not sure if she thinks I'm lying about what a CD was, what a penny is, or what the mail is or all three.
— Eric Alper 🎧 (@ThatEricAlper) November 21, 2024
